It seems this web site can only take a maximum of 250 elements on any page. So the origanal 'My Thoughts' page is FULL!!!???   So I will continue here............

All the Rituals, Visions, Images and Voices listed in detail on the original 'My Random Thoughts' page continue unabaited [have a look at them all]

332  entries [newest at the top, oldest at the bottom]and also on  page 1 of my thoughts. 

After six long years I still have vivid memories of my darling girl Jennifer every single day!

Today, I was thinking what causes these thoughts and memories to come to me so many times each day? And today for example it was:

In the morning she used to wake me with tea and toast – I think of her!

I make my own tea and toast – and think of here!

In the bathroom [wash & teeth which we always did together] – I think of her!

In the care her seat is empty – I think of her!

In the Supermarket [Veg Dept.?] – I think of her!

In my chair watching TV, her chair is empty – I think of her!

When I wash up [always done together] – I think of her!

Whenever I see a Toyota Aygo that’s grey - I think of her!

When I pass a Railway station [I used to collect her often] – I think of her!

Her special table in the lounge – I think of her!

It goes on and on and every time she comes into my mind, and I miss her and think how it would have been had she still been with me and we were still together.

Do you understand this? Or am I stuck in a Plow of Despond?

And now 2018 starts! – Six long years have gone by without her and it feels no better. Do I live with my loss – yes, does it get any better – No.  I still miss everything that was her just as much as ever. I wish I had some faith that I would see her again, but I haven’t and I know she is gone forever never to be with again.

The next six weeks are the worst because my diary has the same messages every year. I put them in as each year rolls by. My daughter says I should stop doing it but it’s a kind of respect for her in that I remember every tragic moments leading up to her leaving me on the 21^st of February. The start entry is on 2^nd January ‘The Day it all Started’ and then all the things that happened up to that terrible day [Its all listed in a couple menu items on the left ‘Day by Day Diary’ item sums it all up.

So I now go into those sad old days when I think of the tough time she had for those six weeks – I know she would be proud of her grave which I keep immaculate for her and I visit her [just to be with her] on a regular basis.

I miss you my darling girl – sleep tight – Ninight!! xxx

After what would have been our 50th Wedding Anniversary, Christmas is coming! My darling would have already been in full planning mode, making sure her three line whip to all our family to attend was in place, buying things for the bran tub and the stockings, and planning the menu. Now nothing happens! It’s all too painful, I try very hard to ignore Christmas. We all go to an Hotel for Lunch/Dinner and I treat it as a posh Sunday Lunch. But still all those wonderful past memories of my darling, with me at Christmas come rushing back.

I have a few things that I keep, and put up in her name. They are things that seemed important to her and it’s for her I get them out:

In May 2008 we visited the UK National Lilac Collection near Lowestoft in Suffolk.  Here my darling girl fell in love with the plant and there after we started to buy them. White was her favourite. It occurred to me to buy a white Lilac to put next to her grave in remembrance of her and her love of the Lilac – so I did! And here it is planted between her grave and my plot.

And then Easter comes!  Easter Sunday lunch was the next big family lunch after Christmas. There were two three line whips from Jen when everyone had to turn up and she always went to town! I had to organise the Easter Egg hunt before the lunch, with special baskets to collect the eggs in. Then we all painted empty egg shells with a prize for the winner! And at last lunch, always salmon and prawn starter, a full leg of English Spring Lamb [must not be NZ??] and every veg you can imagine plus three kinds of Potatoes!!  Then pudding was usually blackberry and apple crumble with Ice Cream and or Cream and or Custard.  Do you know I can see her in the kitchen doing it all now!?

God I miss her so much as do our kids.  Easter and Christmas was special to her as co it makes it much harder now she is not here.  We go out for an n Easter lunch and we all think of her and her Lunches at home. I know we all miss them and her so much

The photograph this time is of the eggs we all painted at Easter in 2011 – hers is the green one in the centre. She always claimed to be poor at art and could not draw, this was true but she always gave her all – as she did in every aspect of her life. She was wonderful and I will miss her forever. Happy Easter MY Darling Girl……….

Thank goodness February has gone! All those terrible, lovely, loving and painful anniversaries are over. Her Birthday, her Death day, her Funeral day and her Diagnosis day all happen in the last 15 days of February – what an awful month and the next lot of anniversaries are a full twelve months away.

And now March has arrived and my mental state hopefully will improve? Not that I have much to look forward to – my summer holiday in France with all my family now looms on the horizon. I wish I could find something to film my time, something for me to take up and enjoy, but alas I can’t find anything so I just carry on keeping No1 of my many promises that I made to my darling.

Cass told me recently that the last word to her from her Mum on the day before she died – She said  “I have really enjoyed my relationship with you” I found this out at our last threesome dinner and I was so pleased to find this out – it really upset Cass when she told me. When I got home and thinking about it made me cry! A lovely thing for Jen to say to her daughter and really nice for Cass to keep in her mind and heart. This month’s photo shows Jen with here darling Cass

As I now commence year 6 without her it doesn’t get any easier and I still miss her as much as ever and love her as much as ever!

‘The Day it all Started’ – this is the note in my diary each January 2^nd – Her inability to sleep, her total lack of appetite and great fatigue started on this day.  Most of January was spent trying to get a diagnosis, but non came. Her exhaustion, lack of sleep and eating nothing got worse as the month progressed – I was at my wits end, all she had was ever stronger sleeping pills and nothing else and all the time she got worse and worse.

In the last week of January a different doctor said ‘OK we will start again from scratch’ followed by blood tests and an ‘echo’ and within a week she was diagnosed with multiple growths in her liver and a large ‘single’ growth in her pancreas.

I always wondered if the diagnosis had been available in the first week of January would she have been saved, but everyone I spoke to [doctors, nurses] said those extra 20 days would have made no difference.  It seems Pancreatic cancer is almost impossible to diagnose early and when diagnosed there is less than a 5% chance of survival. Jen fell right into that category for sure.

Read about her ‘last days’ in January and the doctors initial diagnosis [both in the menu section on the left] in you are interested.

She did just three things in January 2012 – once to the doctors – once to buy a new bike for her beloved Brooke and to be present at her birthday party on the 16^th.  These trips were a nightmare for Jen and for me. Weakness, exhaustion, could hardly walk. My darling girl was already ‘gone’

I am so sorry my darling had to go this way – I would wish it on no one, but she remained calm, strong in mind and at all times kept repeating ‘don’t worry darling, it will be alright’………………….

And now it’s Christmas – Oh dear!  My whole family and I know how important Christmas was for Jen – You will find a whole section in the menu on the left devoted to it – it really meant so much to her!

By now all the decorations [6 large boxes] would be down from the loft, the nine stockings would be hung, the Nativity scene would be ready with the tine lights she loved, the bran tub filled, the tree up [my job to do the lights. And she would be doing her long long list for all the food!

The three line whip for all to attend on Christmas day would come into force – no exceptions, all to attend!

All as it had been for more than 40 Years!

Since she’s been gone I try to ignore Christmas and all it entails it just brings back so many happy loving memories and it makes me sad that I will never have those wonderful times ever again!

I love you darling so much – Happy Christmas – I miss you so much……….

My two worst months are January [her Birthday and Death day] and October [our Wedding day and Anniversary day] when I am consumed with memories and thoughts of our life together, all the things we did together and just how much I miss being with her.

It’s now 4 years and 9 months since I lost her and nothing changes. I feel I am in suspended animation; I care about little and do little. In my imagination I look into her eyes and ask her what shall I do – she refers me to the poem below and says [as she always did when she knew she was in her last days] ‘don’t worry my darling, it will be alright’ Well it’s not and the poem and those words just make it worse!

When my day comes I will at last be at peace and will not think about her and miss her anymore……… Roll on?????????

September comes and still nothing changes! - more and more people tell me to change my current life style, get out, meet people, do something but I just don't have the stomach for it. It all seems too much trouble and what is the point?

I compare all women friends with Jen, I compare eveywhere with places Jen and I visited and I think of her and miss her just as much as ever!

I am not lonely but I am alone - I do wish I could make close friends with someone, man or woman, with who I could do nothing with just chat, gossip and be together. Everyone I know are either with someone [spouce,partner] or always want to do something, never just be together and chill. I have said this to some of them and they look at me like I am mad! - I want a close friend to do nothing with! and in the meantime I will just carry on with that white hot torch burning in my heart for my darling girl.

I am not sure which photo of my darling I will choose this time. Which ever one appeares below was my choice.

I also note that this web site has now had more that 20.000 visits!I have no idea who they are but every one means that Jan has been thought off - that give me so much pleasure!

And now it's August! [4 yrs and 7 months since I lost her] Just returned from our family holiday in France, the 4th one without her, and god did I miss her as always!

On holiday my darling Brooke showed me all her old photo's on her phone, one of them I had never seen before [see below] it was her 5th birthday - who took the photo I do know, but I am always thrilled when I find a photo of Jen I have never seen before.

More that 1660 days without her and I remain in my 'suspended animation' live alone, thinking of her all the time and missing her all the time.  I think this is it for me forever, till I pop off!. Do I mind, not really I still live for her and always will...............

Another month has gone by, but nothing changes. My love for my lost darling remains constant and powerful. I realise now nothing will change and the way I felt then, now and for the future is just something I will have to live with. I feel today just as I felt when I lost my darling – sad, filled with remorse and missing her so much – what a life!? And if Jenny knew she would be very cross with me.

This month I take my family to a Villa in France, something Jenny started 4 years before she died. She loved this holiday with everyone and became a full blown Mum to us all. And of course it all reminds me of my darling, her absence in the house, in the kitchen, in the pool and most of all in the bedroom as I now go to bed alone.

So my darling, as always, I miss you, I love and adore you and think of you all the time – Happy holiday? Not really……………….

I have helped Bob to buy a new car, and paid for the repair of Cassies [mums] car and each time I spend money on the kids I am guided by Jen, who always says 'Have you got the money, do you need the money, then what are you waiting for?' I love her so much and she would do anything for her kids, she loved them so much, just as she loved her grand daughter, Brooke.

She would do anything for them and she would do anything for me. I am so honoured to have received total love and care from my lost forever wife, my darling Jenny.

And I still love you darling Jenny, totally, compleatley and with all my heart and soul...................

Prior to 26th February 2012 I don't think I ever really cried. But since then it has become a regular occurance of my life. Of course the tears during the first months after I lost my darling were all about grief and sorrow and missing my girl. But since then I find my eyes and nose 'prickle' [and some times tears come] for many and strange reasons. A film, a television story, a newspaper artice, anything but  usually showing kindness or loss or happiness.

Of course the regular and never ending memories of my darling wife continue to bring tears on a reqular basis.

But I am intregued at the other different causes.

It stikes me that on most days I have a cry!

Besides the poem below this photo always brings a 'prickle' ..............

And now April starts, but nothing changes, like every month it moves slowly on from her death [now 4yrs and 2months] and so far time is no healer, it still feels like yesterday.

I was thinking how few of her friends now remember her birthday, her death day, our anniversary - time in this case must make them forget? She always used her diary [refreshed every year] to put in (I've just had a look) everyones key dates and she kept a special box of cards to cover births, deaths, anniversaries, Easter, Jewish new year and so many things. Her 2010 diary has 26 names and for what it's worth 3 remember this year - I suppose I am pissed off about that 'cos of course I remember every hour of every day!

Our nephew came today [he always remembers] and brought a display of wonderful flowers for her grave - he told me hoe much he mised her, she was his substitute Mum and they did spend hours at the phone. 

I hadn't remembered that besides Brooke she taught him and his son how to make and cook Scones, so three people make the scones she used to make - when she cooked her scones and rock cakes I was in heaven, straight out of the oven covered in butter and jam mmmmmmmm........

And now March and Spring starts, all those terrible February dates have past for the fourth time and I now face the start of my fifth year without the love of my life, my life time mate.

I go into this fifth year with no change in my mental state, still missing her so much and wishing it was different and we were still together. Alas never to be, ever.

I try so hard to think posotive thoughts but they always come back to a memory of her, often with the 'what would she say' question - she always says 'do it!'

I am happy that both my children are independent and living their lives to the full. And our beautiful grand daughter is growing into a fine mature girl Jen always hoped for [there I go againg, back to Jen]

Right, onwards James into the future? I am now going to choose a photograph, not sure which one, let's see ....................

Here I go again! - The biggest enjoyment time for Jen [and I] and now the very worst time of year for me.

You can see from the menu on the left [Jens Christmas] how important this time of year was for Jen. And as you can see above she bought her Christmas Tree decorations throughout the year from any overseas destination she might visit - Every time Christmas is mentiond I just think of my darling - so you will realise how she is on my mind many time per day - Its agony!!

I do not acknowledge Christmas in any way apart from a donation I made to the Hospice who help Jen so much in her last few weeks so no Cards from me.

Remember every time someone or something mentions Christmas I will be thinking of my darling girl and as always missing her so much.

I went to the Funeral of a very dear friend. The first time I felt strong enough to go to a funeral after 3yrs and 9 months from attending my darlings funeral.

It was far worse than I exoected and after a fellow guest spoke so lovingly about  Jen I just broke up and had to leave.

I never imagined that after such a long time without her all my memories, thoughts and sadness would come back to me so powerfully - I broke down so badly ans was reduced to tears.

I just had to leave early and drove home feeling so sad and upset.

Not sure I can ever go to a funeral again [except for my own of course]

I still miss her and love her with all my heart. 

A very Happy Anniversary my Darling - Thinking about you and loving you on this our special day and every day. I miss you so much!

This image is part of an Anniversary Card she sent me in 2010 - such caring and loving words............

So here it comes again - October - the month we got married in 1967 and the 20th approaches.

Already my mind thinks about our wonderful 47 years to gether and all the places we went to together.[Have a look at 'Our Anniversaries' in the menu on the left hand side]

Nothing changes - I miss her all the time, I think about her all the time, I love her all the time and it gets very hard for me at Christmas, at Easter, on the 20th October and the 26th Febuary.

Darling girl, you left me only yesterday and it hurts so much - I love you so much....................

Just what you asked for in your unfinished letter to her Darling.

There you go darling Jen your wonderful grand daughter in her senior school uniform wearing her light gray skirt with pride all as you hoped for and wanted in you last unfinished letter to your darling Brooke [see Jens unfished letter to Brooke in the menu on the side of this page]

I wish so very much that my darling could have seen her today ready to go to senior school. Everone who reads this can so please send happy thoughts to Jen that what she wanted has now happend. I do all the time and I know she would have felt very proud and happy.

I love you Jen darling...................

Just returned from our French Villa holiday for the 4th time since I lost her.  These regular full family French holidays, kept going through my promise to Jen [see My Promises] have become routine and I know she would be very pleased that I carry on.

Here you can see her in a photo she would prefere not to be made public, but it was the image I had of her most days and every time I went into the pool.

Every day she was in my thoughts the hardest times were when I went to bed alone, in the bedroom my thoughts and memories of her were intense - alone without her to talk through the day. And at breakfast time when she always passed me my coffee made with hot milk and then her tucking into her crosants.

I will carry on with our family villa holidays but I will miss her presence, her company and her caring love all the time.

I feel so sad as I write this knowing she can never be with us all and want so much to go back to the villa holiday we had together in 2011 - hence the photo - I love and miss you so very much my darling girl.......

Just found a mass of stuff she had over time put into the back,at the bottom, of an old filing cabinet. Birthday and Anniversary cards to her from me and the kids - 30 years worth! - Lots of other things as well! She was a funny thing keeping so many things all to remind her in her old age - trouble is she didn't have an old age, so I am left with them, always tearmaking and sad as I go through them. I may well show you some more as time goes on, but this was such a reminder of her:

Must have been composed by a wishfull thinker who has never lost a partner and wants the reader who is in sadness and sorrow following the loss of a loved one to feel better.

Wrong! I dispise every word - It starts with stupidity and gets worse.

Life is never the same, continuity is smashed and broken. My darlings death was the most important and terrible thing that happened to me, how could he suggest it is negligible, the idiot. She is never never out of mind even though I will never see her again. All is not well she is dead and in her grave, in her endless sleep unaware of anything. She would be proud and happy if she knew how I think about her and how I miss her, but she knows nothing about it and when I join her in her grave nor will I. But we will be together forever........

I met up with the wife of a very close friend who sadly died. She gave me this [unseen by me ever before] new photograph of my darling girl.  All we did was to talk about him and my darling - for 3 hours! It was so very nice to talk about her, very few people now talk to me about Jen, I wish they did! Telling me about her, things I didn't know, remembering old times, about what made her laugh and how she made them laugh. My darling is never forgotten by me and it makes me happy she is not forgotten by others.

She lives on in my heart and in my head and through me and though others who remember her.

If your reading this, think of Jenny........ thank you!

Watching a man cutting his grass in his garden today my mind flew back to all my years with Jen. She loved to garden, I did all the grass cutting, she did the beds, grew her flowers, courgets, tomatoes and runner beans - which were always abundant - in her last year she filled 8 large jars of tomato chutney! and delicious it was too!

Half way thro' my grass cutting she would appear with a large soft drink and then towards the end I could see her setting the patio table. When I had finished there she was waiting for me at the table with tea, crumpets and cake - wonderful and I miss those days so very much.

It is painful for me that most things I see and do every day ALWAYS bring memories of her to my mind - hence my never ending sadness and deep regret that she is no longer here and with me. I miss you so much my darling, sleep tight xxxxxxxx

Jen used to love to ride her bike, besides bikerides we would go on together, she would ride her bike every day - it was her way of getting excercise and she pedled to get out of breath and get her heart rate up

I see her on her bike, always with her pink helmet on, most days. I have kept her bike in the gararge - not ridden now for more than 3 years.

Every time I go into the garage I give the bike seat a stroke as I go past.

Today I noticed a white feather stuck on one of the pedels!

Many people have mentioned white feathers as a sign of her spirit and at the start of my time alone with out her I did fine these little white feathers in many different places - in the car, in my flat etc., I would love to think the stories are true and that she has visited. Alas I don't!

I will watch that feather every time I am in the garage.

Yet another reason to think of her all the time as I do. 3 years and 103 days in.............

Like most, we both hated the build up to the General Election.

Every year we were together we enjoyed the fact that as we always voted for different Parties, our votes always cancelled each other out - we used to go to the polling station to vote - both of us with a smile on our face knowing our 2 votes would be nullified!

I feel I must vote, but it will be a vote for the last Party she voted for. That way she wins not me!   As I vote I will think of her as I always do.................

Just before Christmas 2011 she found this cutting of Lulu's hair style she kept it with her and I found it in the filling cabinet.  She was so taken with the 'look' and vowed she would have her hair done like that strait after the New Year - alas we know what happened in the new year and she never had her hair done like that. I do wish she was able to have had her hair done liken that - she really wanted it!

This photograph was taken exactly 50 years ago. It was in April 1965. She was 18 years old and this was our first date.

We went for a drive and a snack lunch at a local Pub, and then she wanted to show me a Moorhen nest near her home. She loved to watch the chicks swimming and staying close to their mum.

I was already falling in love with her.

As always, missing her so much, regreting that I've lost her. Life is not, and can never be the same without her. I love you my darling Jenny.............

I have probably mentioned before that Jen wrote a long book about the life and times of her darling grand daughter Brooke from her 3rd birthday to 2012 - the year she died.

Looking through an old disc I had dowloaded things from a previous computer, I came across some pages she had written about Brooke before she had started her 'book'

They are written in the first person of Brooke, they are wonderful and sum up my darling Jenny perfectly as the caring and thoughtful person she was.

I will try putting one of them below. Have a read, because then you will see just how she thought.

When I read them, they make me cry as I think of her writting them and then I miss her so very much ......

Talking to a friend today - he pointed out to me that it was 3 years and a month since I lost her. [I of course knew that - I know to the hour and minute, never mind the day!] and asked was it any easier. I told him it was as bad for me now as the day it happened, I wished it wasn't but it is.

He said it would get better after 5 years - I do hope he is right because now, as then I remain lost, sad and in deep sorrow. Thinking about her and missing her all the time,,,,,,,

Bad day today - not sure why they happen? A bad day means I think about her all day and tears come quite often, well stinging eyes in the main.

Jen tried so hard to get me to stop smoking, many times, and my compromise in 2002 was to agree to stop smoking in the house, and when we moved to Cherryfield I replaced my office window with one that opened upwards and wide, so that I could lean out with a cigarette and not get wet if it was raining. She laughed when that window was fitted!  The point is I cannot smoke in my appartment, my promise still stands and I honour her wishes. I lean out of a certain window when I have a cigarette [and get wet if it's raining!]

The point is that Today when I lent out for a cigarette It got me going and tears came as I thought of her.................

I made sure that when I moved my darlings bedside table was sealed and then place nest to her side of the bed.

I have for the first time looked through all her things in detail - it is a treasure trove filled with all sorts of things, for one reason or another, she kept safe.

It has 2 draws, a small one at the top and a deep one at the bottom. I won't list everything but two things made me cry - a wonderful accout of our world trip in 1999 [I might scan a few pages so that you can read her wonderfu prose.] This small diary is filled in filling every page in small hand-writing and a couple of A4 sheets in the same small hand to finish the wonderful account off!

And half eaten Bounty Bars and a half empty bag of Pontifract Cakes, which I remember buying for her in mid January 2012 because she  'fancied' some.

There are some expensive skin,hair and hand things - I wonder if I should give them to Cass and Brooke - should I? - or continue to keep them because her hands touched them. What would you do?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY my darling girl on your 68th

Bob Cass and I met this evening and we drank a Kir Royal [your favourite] in your memory and thought about past Birthdays when we were all together!

The awful, sad, terrifying anniversay has arrived. Three years ago today my darling, precious wife, friend and lover left me alone in this world. She died as she lived with dignity.

My feelings of sadness, sorrow and grief have never subsided or calmed down, the pain is as it has always been every day since I lost her.

I miss you so much my darling girl and I still thing about you many many times every day.

Today, as always, I will place 12 red roses on your grave to signify my never ending love and adoration for you

Sleep well my darling and I look forward to the day I can be with you.

By now, three years ago, we knew Jen had cancer with secondaries. The final conformation came in the letter from her Consultant [see the Terrible Diagnosis letters section]

He said it would be a matter of Months [I thought half a year] Then the nurses said weeks not months [I thought 4 weeks] Then the doctor said days not weeks [I thought 7 days]

She left this life 2 weeks after the Consultant said months, one week after the nurse said weeks and 2 days after the doctor said days.

So it was 2 weeks to the day from formal diagnosis to her death.

I will never forget this time as I will never forget her and as I will never stop loving her. And though it was now three years ago, for me it was just yesterday, if not today - it and she is always on my mind and I think of her several times a day, every day.

I have been invited to both a Charity Ball and the Royal Film Premiere, by kind thoughtful friends from the industry.

After much thought I have declined both - In our lives together Jen and I went to so many Balls and Premieres together. I just cannot face dressing in my Dinner Suite alone, driving to the venue alone, being at the event alone, coming home alone, undressing alone. These special events are/were for both of us and if I cannot do it with her by my side, I don't want to do it alone!

So very sad - I was burgled today and besides the mess and the many things they took my main concern and pain was the beautiful watch and solitare ring, which they took, placed with love by Jen in Brookes memory box just before she died. So Sad.

People I haven't seen for a while always ask 'Is it getting better' and alas I always have to answer 'No' - cos' it's not!

I remain in suspended animation, passing each day in a 'waiting' mode. Waiting for her/waiting for it to get better/waiting to find a way forward/ thinking about her all the time/thinking about all our times together.

Even with friends or family things are said or done or we visit somewhere and she comes straight into my mind. I even find myself waiting for a moment when I can bring her into the conversation?

I had my very first dream about her - it was miliseconds - she was kissing me in her special loving way, I was sitting at the table and she was leaning over me. After that wonderful kiss she walked out of the room.  I look forward so much to the next one ??

As you know Jen is on my mind all the time, day in day out.  Alas I am not able to talk about her or even mention her name because it causes embarrassment to those I am with, or I feel they don't want to talk about her. Perhaps it is me, but I do want to talk about her all the time and I want to hear what others might have to say about her.

I do all the small talk, I pretend all is well and wait for a reason to mention her name and when I do they listen but never mention her back to me.

I am NOT coming to terms with her death and my loss even though it happened more than two and a half years ago it still feel like it happened today.

Is this pathetic or what - but I have more than 300 photos of her on my screensaver and spend much time just staring at her photographs as they change every 15 seconds...........

I went to a funeral today, the first one I thought I would be strong enough to attend. Bad idea. Throughout my mind was filled with my darlings fueral, that terrible day. I went through the service but everything that was said, the prayers, the words, the songs were all for and about Jen in my head [it felt disrespectful. but I couldn't help myself] - I don't think I can attend another for a long time. It left me feeling sorrowful and sad, with tears all the way home. I still love her and miss her so much.

Though I watched it many times with Jen, I found the film Ghost was on tonight. I knew what was coming when I put the last 15 mins on.

I watched her finally see him after he died, touched him, kissed him. They both reafirmed their great love for each other.

I wished so very much it could happen to me, and the tears flowed......

Brooke reminded me that Dodo always pipped my car horn when we went under a bridge, and she asked me to do it again.

So now when ever I go under any bridge  in the car I sound the horn as many times as possible whilst under the bridge [12 times is my record! - under a Motorway]

I do it not for Brooke [though when she is in the car she thinks it's for her and smiles] I do it at any time, people in the car or not, in memory of my darling Jennifer.

As you know I do it when I leave her grave, as I did when ever I left in the car leaving her at home. But now I do it under all bridges thinking my loving, missing her thoughts as I do so, and I know she would smile at me if she knew!

Today was about the way we used to say goodbye and hello when ever we parted.

Today I watched a friend say good bye to his wife when he went out and I was still there when he returned. 'I'm going now' and he left and on his return no greeting at all.

When ever I left her we always kissed and hugged and on my return even more than a peck but a proper long kiss and hug. We always thought it might be the last on leaving and always so happy that it wasn't on my return

I miss our loving good byes and kiss hellos when ever I leave  or return to my appartment.

I still miss her as much as ever and wish I could kiss and hug her when ever I leave or return

Will never ever happen again.................

It is so sad that my darling cannot know that her darling Brooke has won the Year 5 Class Award and received a wonderful full year School Report.

I can see her now looking and feeling so very proud and pleased about how all her teaching and influence has resulted in Brooke's great performance.

"Well Done My Darling Brooke  -  Dodo xxxxx"

Hello Dear Readers - I wonder how many of you have found my darlings website by chance and how many of you knew her. I know one person who checks the site frequently just to check up on me and how I am feeling rather than an interest in Jen. Well  no change, I'm afraid, is the answer.

No change in thinking about her, no change in 100's of reminders every day, no change in my sadness  and how I miss her so very much.

A friend who was talking about her lost spouse some 10 years ago said how much she would give to spend just one more day with him. I feel just the same about my darling.

Just for the record it is now 2 years, 4 months and 6 days since I lost her and it remains just like yesterday, no change in my regret that it happend to her and I remain with no life, lost and alone.

I await things to get better for me but as yet they haven't.

My dear nephew wrote to the Queen because of my difficulties with the thoughtless and uncaring Oxted Parish Council re the arrangements I promised to make for Jens grave. [See Jennifers Grave in the menu on the left.

It was kind and thoughtful of him to bother, but even the Queen can do nothing!

More people are now telling me to move on, start a new life, Jen would not want you to be like this. Even mention the 4th line from the end in her special poem below.

Well hard luck, and it makes me angry to be told this. You don't understand. I lived my life for her, I miss her all the time, she is on my mind and with me at all times. How can I be the old Jim with all this greif, sorrow and suffering over -riding every thing else. I would like it to be different, my darling would like it to be different, but I am stuck and it is not helpful or kind to tell me to change when I really can't.

My darling daughter understands and says that she hopes one day it will be better and so do I. But until then I can only go on as I am.

A dear friend sent me this link:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2651112/Why-cope-grief-MADDY-PAXMAN-lost-husband-embarrassed-friends-torment-impossible-handle.html

considering the forgoing I wish they would read it!

Though I am not alone in my greif the outlook is not good for me

I was looking through every thing I wrote in 'My random thoughts' from the begining, the very first entries. Not onlt do I not think in a different way and my thoughts and memories remain as strong today as they did then. But I realise nothing has changed.

The key point being that I remain in a kind of suspended dream, waiting for her to come home, waiting for things to get back to normal. I know she is dead, I know she is gone and can never return. But I still live my life, in every sense, thinking what she would want and what I should do so that everything will be as she would want it to be were she to return.The few people I have told of this mind set of mine find it strange and wrong, but thats how it is for me.

Perhaps one day I will be able to comply with the 7th line of her favourite poem below but from her death I remain living my life for her not for me.

Can anyone give me a way out of this mental state?

I think about Jen's daily food preperation, and as I have said many times - I do miss her cooking/food/meals very very much.

Last time I tried to make her 'cheese on toast' [toast, butter,sliced cheese over ham and branston under the grill till the cheese bubbles and is golden] it caused me such grief.

Todays effort was ham salad with french dressing [my salad was a supermarket pack, where as hers was made up by hand including avacardo,baby beetroot and many other things] It tasted OK but nothing like hers used to be.

The point is during both meals I started crying, thinking of her, how we ate together enjoying her food. Tears sploilt both meals, but Cass said I should keep trying cos' mums food was always so healthy.  I will.  But how I miss her and her food even after 2 yrs and 4 months, its still as bad.

I have just realsied today that the numbers one and two are very impotant to me [see below for example]  My darling died on the 21.2.12 - 21212 [at 12.28 - 6 minutes out!] so I am now adopting 1 and 2 and any combination [12,21,120, 210 etc.,] as my favourite numbers.

Silly I know but they will make a change from seven!

I made my darlings favourite breakfast today [Scrambled Eggs on toast with a cup'a'tea] The first time for more than 2 years. I made them for her in January 2012 and have never made them since.

Thinking of her as usual I thought I would make them, I did, and sat there with tears in my eyes as I ate them alone, my mind filled with her and all those breakfasts we ate together.

Today I counted that it’s 2 years and 12 weeks since I lost my sparkling, normal, Darling girl and 2 years and 5 weeks since she died in my arms.

Someone told me that 3 to 5 years is the minimum time it takes to have the grief and sadness change into happy memories, I wonder if it’s true?

Whenever I cook food, make the bed, wash, Iron, vacuum, dust, look at the garden, walk in the sun, drive my car, go shopping for food, with Brooke, with my children getting into bed, going to sleep, waking up in the morning she is in my head, consuming my mind.  On rare occasions it a happy memory and I smile but in the main sadness, missing her and dismayed I can never be with her or see her again.

I was sent this:

21:4 And God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes; and there shall be no more death, neither sorrow, nor crying, neither shall there be any more pain: for the former things are passed away.

So sad it doesn't apply to me, I wish it did - but it doesn't!

So February has at last passed, what a horrible reminder/anniversary month it is [Her diagnosis day, Her death day, her birthday and her funeral day] all happen on the &th, 21st, 26th, 28th.

And now I move into my 3rd year without her, nothing changes. I think about her all the time, I miss her so much, I remain angry and sad that it happened in her 64th year [so young in comparison to so many] I do wonder if I will EVER get over it?

My daughter said yesterday, 'So no light at the end of the tunnel yet?' I said 'No, I'm in the tunnel, looking backwards at the beautiful light I have left behind and always feeling sad' .....................

I found some of the words from Rev Wallace Holmes she used at Jens Funeral. Very moving and tearful for me.....

Hello everyone

We have come here today to celebrate the life of JennyWhittell. On behalf of Jim, Cassie, Bob, Brooke and Doreen, we say thank you to all of you for coming.  Jenny would have been very touched by your presence here today. Your care and support are much appreciated.

Jenny was involved in the planning of this service, so her genuine heart-felt love is extended to us here today. Now, may we feel held by an even deeper love as we sit together and celebrate the life of Jenny. She wanted us to think of her and remember her in a light-hearted way with fond memories, instead of with sadness.  

The family wanted to open this service and lead the way in honouring her passing by lighting a candle, symbolic of the love that they and you hold in your hearts for Jenny.

Setting the Intention

Jenny wanted everyone to be able to say goodbye in their own way. So, whatever your faith or beliefs, please reflect in the way that is right for you throughout this service. In this manner the lady that you cared about is honoured in the way that is helpful for you. -

We join together to honour and give thanks for her life. She would have been humbled and honoured to see so many people here today, yet we all know that it is because she mattered to you. 

Jenny valued the importance of family and friends. She always saw the good in people and helped where she could, in a quiet gentle way. She showed respect to everyone she met and made them feel special, whatever their age or background.

At times like this love seems painful, so may your fond memories bring you strength and an everlasting love that can never be taken away. It is love such as this that helps us to remember and value what really matters in life.

Jenny meant something different, something personal to each person here today, so may we create a space of peace and acceptance as we join together to pay tribute to a lady who was important to us all. Thank you.

Reading

Jenny tried to live her life to the fullest, valuing every moment. From the food she ate, to being physically active and fit, to giving love, attention and clear guidance to as many children as possible, Jenny never wasted a moment in time. She brought the best of herself to every endeavour. So, she had no regrets. She was able to value what she had and also was able to master letting go – a real trouper who gave her best until the end

At 12.28pm on the 21st February, two years ago, it happened, I lost my darling girl. When I think about it, it was worse last year and this year than the very day it happened.

Because , when it happened, there was so much going on, and the reallity of my great loss had not reall sunk in. So the following two years gave me the time and space to realise how great my loss is and I am still deeply affected by grief and sorrow - it feels like I will never get over it and these powerful memories of my darlings will be with me forever.

I have read again [in Jenny's Last Days] the detail of what happend on her last day and it remains vivid, hurtful, sad and sorrowful.

And now the 26th comes, what would have been her 66th birthday. I dined with my two kids - we talked about Jen, their mum and toasted her a happy birthday - we all wished so much she could have been with us there. Yet more sad and emotional thoughts - Happy birthday my darling girl...............

And then her fueral day comes and goes [28th/29th Feb] - three anniversaries all in February all close together. This year [the 2nd] has been the worst since I lost her. I regret and feel sad and sorrowful that she is no longer here, no longer in my life - I miss her as much as ever..........

2 Years ago today,  The Rev Wallace-Homes [Kathrine] visited for the first time, Jen could not leave the bed, but slowly and carefully  made sure the Rev understood how she wanted her funeral to go [I still can't beleive how calm, strong and brave she was} - Its all set out in 'Jens last days' and 'Her Arrangements' in the menu, top left.  Yet another painful day, vivid in my memory. [like all of them day in day out]

Neither of us know that in 8 days she would be dead.

The next  week, her final week of 7 [from the day she became ill] are the worst in my year -  We are now into the that dreadful  final week of fatige, no sleep, no appitite and our total unhappyness, the palutive care team were in full swing visiting her/us 4 times each day, Much hurried action was taken by me at her request. [see menu item 4 'Jenny's last days.]

Little did we know she would be dead in 8 short days. 

So this 7  weeks are a lose lose time. - Happy memories with Jen = sadness and sorrow - Terrible memories of Jens illness and death = sadness and sorrow - it's as bad today as it was last year and when it all went wrong.

God - what God?

This is Jens little wooden cat - it spent over 30 years in our bedroom [she loved it!] it was out of site in her wardrobe in my apartment. I thought it would be better with her sleeping on her grave so I placed it there yesterday.

I love you my darling, think about you all the time and miss you all the time. Sleep well little cat, sleep well my darling girl.

I visit Jens grave on a regular basis - to make sure it is neat and tidy and to make sure its not abused in any way - she would expect me to do this for her and I know she would be pleased. 

At the top right you can see the sign [at her request] 'Waiting for Jim.

I love her so much, I miss her so much - My special Wishes to you my darling lover at this time.

Yesterday, 2 years ago, was the last day Jenny went out with me on a social occasion, she went to darling Brooke's birthday party. She could hardly walk, she put on a brave face for Booke and had to leave after 20 minutes. It was a great effort for her, and that was the last time she ever saw Brooke.

As I lit her candle on her table in my apartment today I realised I had sitill to read the pile of cards sent on her death. I couldn't, after all this time -still too raw. Then I wondered if they are mine or her's - they were sent to me remembering her, so they must be her's ?? [see Special Place in my Apartment]

Today's shock was when I ordered Brookes birthday cake on line from Waitrose - the first screen said in big letters 'Welcome Mrs Jennifer Whittell' - it brought it all back, how we used to shop online together - sad shocks like this are the worst!

THREE THINGS CONTINUE TO CAUSE ME MUCH GRIEF AND SORROW: ANYTHING TO DO WITH COOKING AND BEING IN THE KITCHEN - EVERY TIME i OPEN THE FRIDGE [WHICH IS ALWAYS EMPTY] i REMEMBER HOW IT WAS ALWAYS FULL, COOKING i JUST CAN'T DO IT: WASHING AND IRONING [I HAVE MENTIONED THIS BEFORE]: CHANGING THE BED [HER BED] I LOOK IN THE AIRING CUPBOARD FILLED WITH ALL HER SHEETS AND PILLOW CASES [ ALL BEAUTIFULY IRONED AND FOLDED, EVERY ONE OF WHICH HAS A SPECIAL MEMORY. IT'S SO HARD TO CHOOSE ONE -  iT'S ALL SO VERY SAD.

I did my ironing and washing today - every time I do it I always have vivid memories of my darling doing the same - she was always making up a wash and then ironing it.

I took this photo just before I left Cherryfield - it is where she always ironed, radio on, singing looking out of the window.  I try [and fail] to emulate her superb ironing skills - my shirts were always superb with perfect creases down the sleves. I have saved and never worn one of the shirts she last ironed, and when I have finished and put my shirts away, I see her shirt and love and grief always overwhelms me........

I had a vivid dream last night in which my precious darling came into the kitchen and we hugged and kissed and she said 'It's all OK now darling we are back to normal'  I was so very very happy. 

When I woke up I really thought it was true and I turned to her in our bed to kiss her good morning. She was not there, and I realised it was a dream. Such sadness and great dissapointment - I really thought it was true, and it was not. I still love her so much.....

Today, 17th September, my darlings memoriale web site received it's 5000th visit - Thank you so much for remembering her, as I do every single hour of every day. As always she is in my heart and in my head all the time.

I miss her so very much and I love her so very much........ nothing changes.

THIS COULD WELL BE MY LAST ENTRY ON jENNY'S MEMORIAL WEB PAGE. i WILL MAINTAIN THIS PAGE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE SO THAT SHE LIVES ON IN THE EITHER AND WILL NEVER BE FORGOTTEN. I WILL ALWAYS THINK ABOUT HER MANY TIMES A DAY, SHE IS IN MY HEART AND IN MY HEAD AT ALL TIMES AND I MISS HER SO VERY MUCH.

I LOVE YOU MORE THAN ANYTHING MY DARLING WIFE JENNY, AND ALWAYS WILL FOREVER.

TILL WE MEET AGAIN  DARLING GIRL AND ARE THEN TOGETHER FOREVER . xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxXXXXXXXXXXXXXxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

I have today completed all my promises to my darling. The last two were Nos 27 and 14 and they were finally completed yesterday .August 16 2013 908 days after I lost my darling girl forever

TODAY IS THE 500TH ANNIVERSATY OF THE DAY I LOST MY DARLING GIRL FOREVER.

• The days seem to be getting worse for me - no new thoughts just the same as usual intense, deep and emotional, missing her so much, miserable with my life, angry that it has happened to her.... emptyness,,,,,,

• I was told today that 5 years is the norm to move on. OMG thats 3yrs and 6 months to go. I don't think I can stand my current feelings, love for her and my sad life for that much longer..............

• I have no new random thoughts, I am exhausted with thinking about her and only her, all the time. My life remains empty and meaningless with out her. I am fed up that it doesn't get any better. I am lovesick and heartbroken because she is gone forever. 

I have realised there are just 4 main images of my darling they come to me many times a day. I list them below for interest, in the order of how many times I see them every day:

1. Her face quite close to mine, I see it in every detail, she is smileing and sometimes speaking to me, she always looks so loveing to me.
2. At a distance, wearing her tan jacket and jeans, turning and waveing to me until she walks out of site.
3. Laying in bed, ill but serine and sometimes asleep
4. The moment she died in my arms.

I remain lovesick and heartbrocken ...........

• Intense images of her today, all the time. In the house, car etc., so intense, I can see her so clearly, everywhere. I also felt her holding my hand and squeezing it. she is watching me now at my office door. I wish it were true and she was here.

• I am deeply in love with a girl who is dead. There is nothing I can do about it....

• I WAKE UP IN THE MORNING THINKING ABOUT MY DARLING.
• I SPEND ALL DAY THINKING ABOUT MY DARLING.
• I GO TO SLEEP THINKING ABOUT MY DARLING.
• I MISS HER ALL THE TIME.

• As I drove past a certain garage the other side of Reigate I remembered vividly an argument we had whilst filling up. I was so angry, I walked off the forecourt and left her to pay. 10 minutes later she drove up to me and stopped at the side of the road, she opened the passenger door, she just said 'I was worried about you and wondered where you had gone' she didn't mention our cross words [I can't even remember what it was about] and I didn't mention them either and before we set of again she leaned over and kissed my cheek and I inturn kissed her passionately on the lips, with cars passing and pipping - nothing more was said - it's how she was, so loving and careing.                                                        As I passed that garage yesterday I was over come with pain and tears flowed, and I kept saying I'm so sorry my darling, over and over again. This is the first time I have remembered this, it was about 5 years ago, and the memory has caused me great sorrow ever since I passed that Garage yesterday. Oh how I miss her..

• I now totaly understand my problem, I mentioned various parts of what follows here, in the past, but its now very clear  I am not lonely but I am alone with out Jenny I ache to be with her and miss her so much, which in turn makes me miserable and sad.                                                                   Thats it summed up in a few words, any ideas how to slove my heartfelt problem ????????

• I put another new page on today 'Jenny's Favourite Poems' the explanation is on the page.  I read them and realise just how often she quoted odd lines, not just to me but to others, including her Birthday Video when she talks of me. [I can't watch that video it just makes me cry and cry.............

• I decided to tidy the garage, a job we hated but always did it together. It has not been touched since September 2011 and was a real mess. I got on with it wondering what I would find, all her labels were on everything and in one of the shopping bags was a receipt from June 2009. There were seven makeup items on it, totaling £46. I did not know what 'casting gloss caram' but recognised the rest. Does anyone know what this is and what she used it for??                  Becase she has touched it and is filled with makeup she wanted,  I have put it in a special place where I keep many little things of hers. And I can see her now putting on her make up with so much care..............

• Brooke wanted to make some cakes for school today, and asked could she cook them with me! I remember her cooking often with Dodo and making a serious mess, which Jen loved and never minded.  Brooke knows where every thing she needed was kept [thanks to my darling] and got out the Kenwood mixer, the bowl she always used, the oven cake dish, the cooling tray and many other bits and peices. and she/we got on making cup cakes, which she finished and decorated beautifuly. Al thanks to Jens teaching.                       The point is non of this equipment and untensels has be used or touched by me since Dec 2011 [more than 18 months] and throughout I could feel Jen watching and smiling at Brooke. It was an intense experience, fighting back tears and deep sadness and I made sure everything was washed and dried and put back in the exact place where Jenny had always kept them.                                                                       I know Brooke was happy and proud  and I know I was so sad and sorrowful [I of course put on my happy face for Brooke so she knew nothing was wrong] but the experience was so filled with intense images and memories of my darling, my eyes have been stinging ever since... I miss her more than anyone could understand and I remain sad and alone........ 

• For many weeks, 3 or 4 times a day I am asked by a male serious voice "When did you last see your wife" and originally I answered with the precise place, time and date of her death. as time went on I answer ' You know, I've told you many times'  I am wondering why I keep hearing this male voice and the question, it's like a police investigation into a missing person and they are looking for her but I know exactly where she is.  Silly and strange I know, but I wish it were true, and that she could come back...........

• No thoughts today, except my mind id filled with intense thoughts of her and I remain so sad, unhappy and missing her so much ..............

• I went into Waitrose today with my son and Brooke.  The last time I went in was with my darling 19 months ago. I have avoided it because it was where she shopped.  On entering thousands of images of her came, I could see her every where. It upset me so much I had to leave the shop at once and since leaving I keep seeing her there shopping for our food, her asking me 'would I like this' or saying 'go and find some nice fish and kippers for us' Intese feelings of love and sorrow..........

• One of my usual bad days .............  I realise that many many people feel as I do. but my feelings are unique and special to me alone and if others suffer in the same way I do, it doesn't help me at all.                                                                            Imagine being reminded in a million ways, leading to me thinking in detail about her all the time, leading to my great sadness and grief that she is gone, leading to me talking to her about all sorts of things, hearing her speaking to me, realising again she is gone...tears. Every day, many times a day.  And realising this is my life now and for the future, it feels so unfare, it feels cruel and so hard to carry on..............

• I have found some of Jens writings - Descriptions of our days with Booke in 2005, her very long 'The life and times of Brooke' and about 10 of her favourite poems.                      Jen used to love to write, all the forgoing, I think were a prctice for her. I think I might put them here on her Web site, as usual dedicated to her memory.                                           I read them all slowly and with care [tears flowing] and I could hear her speaking/saying the words. She is still so alive in my head and my heart, I am lost without her. I will never get over her death.
• Here's one of them - it sums up my darling and her love for Brooke:

 Brooke’s day at Cherryfield

20 June 2006    Aged 2 years and 6 months 

When I came to Cherryfield this morning, Dodo was as usual, hiding in the kitchen, she didn’t half make me jump, but I gave her a big hug anyway.

We had our poached eggs and played skittles, I keep missing them, but I’ll get a strike one day!  Papa said we had to go to Waitrose today, so off we went and I walked all the way round without sitting in the trolley at all, Dodo said I was a very big girl.  When we got back home I helped Papa put out the rubbish and recycling for Mr. Biffa, but I didn’t see him come today, because we went off to feed the horses and chickens down at Woldingham.  I actually held my hand out flat today and didn’t seem as frightened as I usually do, we also fed a little Shetland pony who was very gentle and tried to nudge my arm. 

Dodo wanted coffee by now, so we went off to Knights; I must say there is a lovely conservatory there and we had coffee, Danish pastry and ice cream, three sorts, chocolate, vanilla and strawberry.  I just wanted to run up the slope and Dodo had to hold me, it was very steep.  We went of to buy two plants for Papa’s pots and still I walked everywhere.  I hid in the tall conifer trees and Dodo counted to ten and then had to find me, that was fun.

When we came home again, I practised jumping off the step seven times and then jumped onto Dodo’s back, I pulled all the cushions off the chairs and made a terrible mess and when Dodo gave me a drink of blueberry and apple drink, (which I loved) I sprayed it out of my mouth all over her lovely pink carpet, so she had to clean all that up and so I jumped on her back some more whilst she was doing that.  I helped Dodo peg out the clothes on the line today and threw my usual white pebbles into the lickle bird bath outside the back.  I’m trying very hard to sit on my potty and on Sunday, when Dodo and Papa came down for Father’s Day brunch, I did a wee in it; everybody clapped and clapped.

I can say so many words now and join them up; today I said ‘I can do that’ when I cut up the carrot for my lunch.  I know all the endings to the nursery rhymes Dodo and Mummy sing to me and I can throw a ball, but sometimes drop it when it’s thrown back to me, but I’m practising hard on that one.  I know ‘further’ and ‘I get up now’ and I’m really joining my words together.  I also say ‘whoops a daisys’ when I drop anything which seems to make Dodo and Papa laugh a lot.  Whenever Dodo tickles me I say ‘not really’ -  I think I know that means teasing.  I can say ‘PT Cruiser and ‘Jaguar’ and today we went off to the garage to take the PT in for something called a service.  Dodo had to explain three times where and why we were going to Croydon, but I finally understood.  I fell asleep in the PT and woke up in the Jaguar. Then Papa drove us to Lingfield and I didn’t fall asleep again.

Anyway, Daddy and Mummy, I just thought you’d like to know about my day at Cherryfield.  When Dodo took me home today, I said to her ‘see you Monday’ – I think I really meant Tuesday but who cares.   Bye bye for now.

A high level of visits today [37] I wonder who you are ???