Me thinking about Jen

From the saddest and worst day of my life [21st Febuary2012] I have been consumed by thoughts, images, memories,visions and rituals all concerning my darling. They come non stop all the time and often make me cry, as I go through these millions and never ending mental reactions to my grief and my loss.

I will jot them down here most days............

  • Whenever I drive the car I always see her in the pasenger seat next to me and I squeeze her knee which always ment 'I love you'
  • I kiss anything anywhere that I know she has touched
  • I kiss her photographs several times a day
  • I try to iron my shirts, with sharp creases in the sleves just as she did
  • I can't eat anything that she/we loved to eat together. I can't use anything of hers in the kitchen. all equipment, pots pans etc.,
  • I can't go out to Cinemas or Restaurants that we went to together.
  • I visit her grave every day without fail. When, is not the point - I go in the mornings or the afternoons and even at night, I try never to miss a day, and she talks to me and I talk to her. I always wave goodbye several times as I leave, and I see her waving back. As I leave in the car I give her 3 pip's on the horn as I always did when I left her.

Visions, Images and Voices

  • In the house:  When I enter the kitchen I always see her working at the sink. In our bedroom she is always looking at me from the bedroom door. In our bathroon she is always cleaning her teeth, and from my chair in the bedroom I can see her sat on the loo. In the lounge, she is sitting in her usual place reading a newspaper
  • She is always sat in my car, next to me.
  • Outside I see her walking along the pavement and looking back at me, giving me a wave and blowing me a kiss several times untill she has walked out of sight, as she/we always did.
  • She speakes to me, and I speak to her many times each day. I answer her and she answers me.  I always say "Goodnight Darling" when I turn  the light off to go to sleep and she always says "Ni Nite Darling, I love you so much"
  • When I go anywhere in the car and pass somewhere we had been together, tears always come.
  • This is the Jacket and blouse [with jeans and a certain pair of shoes] I see her in in all my visions of her - she is always wearing these clothes, in the car, walking, at friends, in restaurants - everywhere.      I now have these specific garments and shoes on a hanger in my wardrobe and I touch them and stroke them when ever I open the wardrobe door - I will keep them with me forever.

That famous Poem

Another form of comfort I have is reflected in the 2nd verse of that famous poem, which I have changed to suit my own thoughts:

 

She will  not grow old, as I will grow old, she will always be as she was

Age will not weary her, nor will the coming years censure her.

At the going down of the sun and in the morning, and throughout the day.

I will always  love and remember her.

A Book? of - Random Thoughts

233 entries [newest at the top, oldest at the bottom]

 

SEE RANDOM THOUGHTS 2 - just Below Random Thoughts on the page list menu, for full explanation

  • Feeling so down and dissapointed today - Oxted Parish Council, after months of letter exchanges, have said they will not change their Burial Ground Regulation under any circumstances, and they will not enter into any further coresspondence with with me. They also say [which is true] there is no appeal and all that is left is a Judicial review [cost and time but I will look into it].                              I made my important promise to Jen that we would be together in a single grave side by side and Oxted PC are refusing this for no reason, they have never offered a reason - I am heatbroken that I am not keeping my promise to my darling...........
  • Not quite sure why but several people have asked 'Is it getting any better?' and when I say No thet look at me as though there is something wrong with me and it should be getting better - well it's not.                                                   My son came up with the following today 'Dad I've worked out that you were with Mum for 16,741 days. You've been without Mum for 472 days - is there any wonder you feel like you do, you've hardly sctatched the surface'  Put like that it makes sense that I feel as I do, but he couldn't tell me how many days it would take to feel less sad and griefstricken.

Just found this one - she asked me to destroy it - I am glad I didn't. I will not put it onto one of her photo pages, because she would be cross it I did. I will just put it here as small as possible. And I hope she won't be too cross at me for putting it on her site. I took the photograph when she was trying on the red garment. She took it back as she did with so many clothes she bought. On seeing the photograph her words were 'It's terrible, destroy it!' Oh I just miss her so very much.

                                                                                   

I have just read all the earliest thoughts at the bottom of this page, not quite sure when I first wrote here, but I think it was about a year ago. As I read through them, not only are they so repetitive, but nothing seems to have changed in my head, Everything I have been jotting here still applies, my brain is making no progress in it's loss and grieving. I wish I had a full, busy and active life but I don't and I seem unable to do anything about it. In fact I don't want to do anything about it. I am just not interested in anything................

 

 

A new photograph discovered today, I am always so thrilled when I find one [its in Jenny through the years] This one I remember because I asked her to 'stand relaxed' as you know she hated having her photograph taken. It saddens me that over the years I must have destroyed/deleted hundreds of photographs of her at her request. I wish I had them all now.                                    Things continue to be bad, just thinking about her ALL THE TIME, no respite, no rest from it. Cass always say's be patient it will get better for you - she say's it will take 2,3,4 years? In the meantime I live this sad, empty, grieving life without her........

  • Today as I ran out of food [meals, milk, bread] for the umteenth time I realised that with my darling this never happend - I just went to the cupboard, fridge, freezer and it would be there. Now I cannot make myself remember to get things in until I have run out.                                                   Of course when I run out of stuff my mind in a micro second goes - run out - why - no Jen - miss her so much - she's dead - tears.    Or drive in the drive - No Jen - house empty - miss her so much - she dead - tears.  On and on ...............
  • I am now starting to panic a bit - I think I have sold my house and have had an offer accepted on a flat in Oxted [closer to my darling and the place that she loved and we spent many loving years there] I have decided to sell/chuckout most of our things [I will of course keep the most special and personal things of hers] and this leaves me in a strange situation - On the one hand I don't want to leave OUR house and all OUR things, but on the other hand, you would not believe how living here gives me no respite from the millions of memories the house and its contents bring into my mind every second I am here. Regular tears when I dirve in to OUR now empty house, and then the pain of every thing I see and touch here.  Cass and Bob are both pleased I will be moving, they say it will help - that remains to be seen? Through 'my random thoughts' I will surely let you know - heres hoping....
  • I was so pleased today - a regular visitor to this site made themselves known to me via the webs contact section [bottom one on the menu] it was propbaly because of my thought below - she was a friend of Jens who I hardly knew, she said some wonderful things about Jen [and me]               It is so nice to hear from anyone who visits the site, they remember Jenny and that makes me so happy. So thank you again for letting me know who you are - I now know who four visitors are.
  • I seem to spend more and more time looking at the many pages on my own web site. It is like a book for me, I am able to look at so many things about our life together and the weeks before she died - not sure why it helps, but it does.      I have noticed that the 'norm' nuber of visits to her site is 12 to 15 each day and I assume that at least 10 are 'regulars'      I know for certain who three of them are because they communicate with me about the site. But who are the others, 8,9 or ten of you visit the site on a regular basis.                      I really would be so grateful if you will make contact so I know who you are, remain anonymous if you prefer but tell me about you, what makes you visit so regularly, I am very grateful that you do.                                                              Your visit thrills me because I am not alone in thinking about Jen, and her memory lives on through you and not just me.  So thankyou for visiting, shareing my grief, and thinking about my darling
  • In trying to find a 1999 photograph of my darling for 'Jenny through the Years' page, I ended up looking at 100's of photographs of us together on our world trip before I picked the right one for her. They of course not only brought back thousands of wonderful happy memories of her, but full blown tears that she is gone..............
  • I was driving a lady patient home today [I do occasional voluteer ambulance car driving] and she had been for radiotherapy. The nurse and doctor said she was very ill - she was - she reminded me of Jens last days, telling me her great problem was fatige and tiredness and could not sleep at all. She sat slumped in the car, head down. Just the same as Jen was when I took her for her fatal diagnosis 14 days before she died. I felt so sad for this lady and I just could not get that terrible last journey with Jen on the 7th February 2012. out of my mind, and still can't. [see 'Jennys last days] I have felt sad and tearful since ......
  • Doing the washing today I lost a sock, its never happened to me since she died. It happened to Jen on several occasions and she always put the odd sock in a cirtain place waiting for the other one to turn up. I put my 'odd sock' in the same place and thought of my darling and cried ...............
  • I was talking today to distant relatives I have not seen for a long time [before my darling died], we knew each other as kids, but we did see them on odd occasions through the years, and of course they knew Jen.                                           Jens very quick and untimely death came up they were of couse interested. and as the converstion developed we talked about their parents, dad died a couple of years ago aged 92 and their mum is still alive aged 90+.                             You know whats coming....... I thought selfishly, how its so unfair they were both 30 odd years older than Jen. That could have been another 30 years with my darling living and loving and enjoying life together, but no, this shit life takes her at just 64 stopping us both enjoying a reasonable further 10/15/20 years together, it really is so very unfair and cruel for us both.
  • I heared a very old song today - we both liked it - the Everly Bros 'Dream' - when I need you in my arms ' etc.,                     It then occured to me that since my darlings death I have never dreamed of her, in fact I don't seem to dream at all. I would love to dream a dream which featured/included her, but it has never happened? I want to dream about her so much. I do hope it will happen.
  • I visited two 'long lost' cousens today [I haven't seen them for more than 50 years] the round day trip was 360 miles. It was nice to be with them and recollect our times together as children. Neither of them knew Jen which was helpful, though she was mentioned with sympathy and I nearly broke down at that point.                                                                              On the drive up and back there were countless places that I passed, all with full on memories of us being there together, and I felt so much love for her.                                                   Towards the end of the return journey I remembered that if I was out at work, or she wasn't with me in the car, I would always phone at about 5 mins from home and being with her.  The message was always the same - 'Put kettle on duk' she knew that ment I was soon to be home. She always replied 'I will mi darlin' I missed you today and I love you so much, drive carefully' and I would reply 'I will mi darlin and I missed you and I love you so much' I had been thinking this for about 20 minutes and when I got to the place on the road where I usually phoned, I broke down, the tears came, I knew there was no point in making the call ...............
  • I spent ages this evening just looking at my darling [via the many photographs I have] Then I found myself cropping and 'fixing' many of them - like this one so that I could see her better. On the one hand I just love looking at her, on the other it makes me feel very sad and alone.
  • I drive down a cirtain road, close to home, most days. I realise that every time I reach a certain place - there she is I see her so clearly, walking [always quickly] Quite often she would say 'I'll set of and you pick me up when you reach me' I always got to her about the same point when I saw her, I slowed down when I got next to her and she would get into the car. This happened today as it does every time I drive that road, and I thought of her, and could see her walking, but she wasn't there and I had tears in my eyes as I passed the spot where I would usually stop to pick her up.................

My darling daughter sent me this photo she found on her hard drive - I replied - thank you, I looked and I cried. She wrote back - the same for me.                                                                                                 An empty miserable day today. Busy - coffee with friends, lunch with Industry collegues, swimming gala with Brooke and dinner with my son. - but all the time being reminded of and thinking about Jen. I put on the usual act, pretending all is well [except when I am on my own with Bob] and that remains hard. I hate having to push down my sad thoughts and try to  be my more normal self - it feels very rude to Jen and denying how much I miss her, but I do. You might say today was busy and interesting, but for me it was another empty and miserable day, just like yesterday and probably tomorrow.

  • My daughter telephones most evenings, she always starts with 'how have you been today' and my reply is always 'no change'. It gets me down so I can't imagine what she must feel when I say it to her, but I decided long ago not to ever pretend to my two children, I always tell it how it is, with others I pretend its OK - but its not.                                          I am visiting two long lost cousens next week, I havent seen them since I was a child. They did not know or have any knowledge of my darling Jen, but I will tell them the story when we meet.  For our meeting I went through countless photos of my childhood [birth to 15] my father was a avid  photographer with his beloved Leica camera. And all the time as I looked through these albums ALL I could think about was that my darling had spent hours and hours assembling them she had touched them all and she was with me as I looked through them, and all the time I kept saying 'Thank you darling, I wish you were coming with me mext week, I miss you so much' with tears in my eyes - so even doing something in no way related to her, she in on my mind, I'm thinking about her - I think my problem could be getting worse??
  • I finished the Julian Barnes book today. As I said before the last [3rd] part talks eliquently and in great detail about his deep grief following the death of his wife. And as for so many of us grief club members so many of his thoughts were 'the same as me'.                                                                              I am now very clear that no one has found a solution to our/my mental grief problem. I have read so many books, visited many web sites on the subject and they all describe the terrible experience so well but never offer any solution, because as we all know there is no solution to the utter misery and sadness the loss of your special loved one brings So its a matter of minute by minute, hour by hour and day by day of suffering, sadness, missing her, wanting to be with her.  I look at some of my promises to her, the things she wanted me to do, and the ones that concern my future life [after Jen] are just so difficult and impossible to follow.            I will let my life take its course to the 'last word in the last sentence of the last chapter' as she wanted, but it is totally wrecked and spoilt because I am here and she is not.
  • We [Cas, Bob and Me] had the first of our now planned 'threesome' dinners this evening. [I have arraged for them to happen every six weeks] I realised that we, Jens close family rarely got together and when we did there was probably a wife, child or partner with us. So I said it would be good for just the three of us to meet, so that we could talk openly about Jen openly, share our feelings and sadness and remember our lives together. Anyway the first one took place this evening, and we talked and talked about everything as planned.                                                                                 On the way home ofterwards I felt stronger and better and understood my kids own feelings better than I had before, we all remain shocked by our loss, but we feel closer together that ever before.                                                                       The moral is, it seems, meet with your close family or those who knew your lost loved one very well and talk openly for as long as possible, do it regularly, and see how you feel.??
  • I received a long and interesting email today from one of my site followers. The last paragraph brought on the tears - here it is:                                         

Thanks so much for sharing these parts of your beautiful Jennifer and also for the grief and sadness this effort is causing you...yet you continue on.
I know I speak for everyone who has come to make their visits to Jennifer's site a daily ritual.  The two of you, through this site..helps those of us who feel nothing but darkness...see a sparkle of light out there somewhere and it gives us the strength to go one more day.

  • Her 3 pet names for me were - Darlin', lover, and Pal very often starting with the word Mi in front. - so it would be 'hello mi darlin'' or 'what would you like, mi lover'                            The only reason I mention this is when she talks to me [I know, in my head] she always starts with one of the above, and I hear her voice and see her face so clearly every time. And I can be cirtain that if I spill something or make any mess she always says 'Oh your a mucky pup' again every time without fail.                                                                           Her impact on my life is total and she will live on in me, in my body, in my head and in my soul untill the day I die.    It is easy to say [and probably not true] but my love for her is the greatest love any man has had for any woman and it burns on, so strongly, in my heart today as it did when she was with me and we were together - I love you so very much my darling.
  • One friend likes to be brutal with me [I think he thinks it will shock me out of my mind set] "Come on Jim she been dead more than a year" "You can't bring her back" "Your not helping yourself" "It's time you started a new life without her"  and many more.  All I think is, you are married and your wife is with you and you can't ever understand untill it happens to you, and if you go first you will never understand - so there . ...
  • The house might be sold - so now the thoughts start - leaving here will mean leaving my darling behind. She won't know what is happening to me, to her things and her little white bungalow. I know she wanted me to leave, but it does feel like leaving her. What should I take with me - everything in the house is hers - everything reminds me of her. What things of hers should I take with me. I will be moving to a small apartment not much room. My mind is in turmoil what to take and what to sell/give away. I am asking her what she thinks - no reply except 'Yes do it'
  • I spent some time today getting the new page going - have a look.

 

  • I heard a song today [4 hours later I can't even remember what song it was!] So I started singing along. and all of a sudden I burst into tears, and couldn't stop for about 30 minutes ???
  • I now know what is making it so bad for me [today was the same as my previous few entries] It is looking for things to go on her 'Jen thro' the years' page. I look through countless files and photographs, with tears rolling down my cheeks, as I look at our life together in photographs - but I can't stop it? I am determined to fill her latest page. In fact there are so many photos of her with well known people I have decided to start yet a new page 'Celebs who met Jen' - I think that would please her to think that you will see all her photographs with famous people. I will start this when I have found more photographs. 
  • In the Daily Mail today the was a long feature on 'well knowns' who are now widowers. 4 were mentiond including Barnes and Sacchi, all of them have gone through everything I am going through, so my suffering is in line with so many others, nothing special, but oh so very very painful.  For every couples loving caring wonderful relationship only one will grieve the other one will die first. Intense love always equels intense grief for the one thats left, in my case me!
  • I was explaing to Cass today how it is all the time - see something, hear something, smell somthing, this caused a reminder, then the memory comes, then the grief overwhelms me - non stop, all the time.  I know dad she said, but there is nothing me or anyone else can do or say to help - true.            I know I go on about this problem too much but its how it is, sorry but my thoughts are not very random.
  • I try to think of new thoughts, I have been looking at very old photographs of my darling, and all that comes are the same old same old. Looking at our early life, I see Dali our dog [see Jen thro the years] and remember how much she loved him. this was before our children were born. But the bottom line for me is, as always, great distress and grief that my beloved Jen is gone ............
  • I ate at Cassies today, she cooked a wonderful beef casserole, when I tasted it, I spontaneously said 'Jenny this is wonderful' and for that micro second I thought my darling had cooked it???                                                                              Cassie asked straight away does this remind you of mum? I told her it was as good as mum used to cook. She said 'oh dear I said I would never cook anything that reminds you of mum' [I have told her how the thousands of memories hit me     every day]                                                                              Though my daughter has been sensitive enough to try not to remind me of Jen, it is sad that she even has to think about it, in an effort to reduce my pain - Bless her.
  • My misery and sadness seems to be all about missing my darling. My mind goes in circles as follows:  See something [anything], Hear something [anything, Memory is sparked, memory of her develops, mind goes in to full remembering, I then remember she is dead and gone. Then the full sadness and sorrow over comes me. I am filled with remorse and meloncholy, quite often leading to tears that she is gone, I will never see her again, never be with her again. So.... I MISS her, her company, her being with me, her presence, her voice, her very being .... I just MISS her sll the time, all my wakeing hours, it never leaves me or goes away, it's just with me and I can't stop my mind from constantly going through this process time and time and time again. Its a horrible life to be like this all the time ......
  • Not sure why, but today was particularly painful with tears, I have noticed I don't cry every day any more [is that a sign of improvement?] but today I did. I was choosing more photographs for her new section, which of course brings back many forgotten times and memories. She has been vividly on my mind all day - I imagine I can feel her hair, stroke her cheek and that special look of love she gives me - it all continues to break my heart. I don't know why it doesn't subside or get easier, but it doesn't - I am missing her more than ever, I miss her so so much .....
  • I have nearly finished the Julian Barnes book. It's in three sections, the first two are a waste of reading time but the third and last is the real thing. He writes at length about the grief and sadness he feels about the loss of his own beloved wife in 2008. { I note the book was published this year - 5 years later] His words are an eloquent and detailed summary of the effect of loosing your totaly loved life time partner. I appreciate and understand everything he writes about his thoughts and feelings, they are a mirror of my own [and many others] but they dont really help me in any way, in fact I could say they magnify my own feelings and thoughts and leave me still more filled with grief, sadness and melancholy with no overall change in how I feel.  I have not quite finished the book, maybe there will be some help to come, but I doubt it.
  • I was talking to a friend about Jenny, about the places she had been to and the people she had met. I mentioned that we had met Maggie T and she was very interested in the story. It then struck me that that would be another important photo for her Jenny through the ueas page on this site. So I have put it on.
  • In casual conversation today, she was a talker, telling me about her family ect., and then she said to me 'when you get home will you have a nice supper on the table ready for you?' - a million memories flowed through my mind and I felt upset with stinging eyes. 'Yes' I said I just couldn't tell the truth, I know if I did I would have broken down. I then said I will have to go and said goodbye.                                               The question has not left me all evening - I knew I was going back to the empty house and a black plastic container filled with who knows what for the microwave. But my mind filled with our kitchen table set for our evening meal, and I mean properly set, napkins, glasses, placemats, flowers in a vase. And my darling calling 'Its on the table' and I enter the kitchen and there she is dishing up wonderful food. Half way through she would always say 'Is it alright?' and we would chat and laugh all through the meal. She would then stack the dishwasher and when I went to help she always said 'Don't worry darling I'll do it, you go and sit down'.                           Oh my darling, darling Jennifer you are the love of my life, my all, my everything.  -   Ive got to stop - too upset....
  • A dear friend and very close friend of Jennifer has sent me a book - Levels of Life by Julian Barnes - she says it might help?? I assume she means help me through my terrible loss and grief. I shall start reading it tomorrow [I have not been able to read anything since she died - she was an avid reader and the books I did read were all her reccomendations] and I/we will see??
  • I lunched with friends today [friends from previous married times] I had not seen them since Oct 2011 [ I said ] No, one of them said we saw you at Jenny's funeral - that killed me. I don't count seeing anybody at my darlings funeral as seeing them. And ofcourse that statement spoiled my day. I am still thinking about it now, that day was such a special day for me, it was when I had to say my very last fairwell to my darling, as far as the many others who attended, I have no recollection of them or who they were. My mind was filled with thoughts of Jennifer and nothing else. They still are now 423 days later - God I miss her so very much ......
  • I had to fill in a form today, and though I have done it several times in the past today it hit me very hard. It asked was I married, single, divorced, seperated or widowed. For more than 40 years I put married and felt happy doing so [Married always brought a vision of my darling and our children] Today I had to put widowed, I look at the word, thought about the word and still can't believe thats me - widowed.                                              I want to be married to my darling for ever, I want to be with her, I want to touch her, kiss her, hug her, talk to her, but I can't - I'm WIDOWED.......
  • I hear Jenny saying things many times a day, I hear her voice so clearly and sometimes it is in reply to something I think or actually speak out loud to her. Other times she says somthing to me spontaniously, out of the blue [e.g. I finished a difficult Siduko today and she said 'ee darlin' yur a genious'] it was said in her pseudo yorkshire accent which she always used during our private loving conversations. I could her her as though she was in the room, so clearly and unexpecedly. I enjoy it when it happens and my age old feelings of love for her come over me, but then of course it changes into saddness and longing  to be with her and ultimately tears .....
  • I have had to give searching through files and albums for 'Jenny through the Years' page a rest. It is causing me so much grief and upset. Thousands of new [old] memories flood my brain, memories that I had forgotten about, but looking for things for the new page brings them in to my head.                                                                                 So I will give it a few days without looking - sorry.
  • I am in private communication with the 3 'stranges' who have kindly identified themselves to me as 'visitors to the site' The four of us are all in deep distress with the loss of our loved one.                                                                     In an effort to help them and me, I have suggested to them the following:
  1. Obtain a little lift in your life from knowing that you are suffering so much, but if it were the other way round, your loved one would be the one who would be suffering, not you.  Bare your suffering with pride because you have saved your loved one from this terrible pain.
  2. One of my correspondents talks openly about suicide, not being able to live on without their loved one. their life is empty with nothing to live for [this was/is the vary same for me] I have told them that no matter what, if you end your life then all the memories and rememberences you have of your loved one will also die with you.  You owe it to your beloved partner to keep their memory alive and well, and feel free to talk about them as often as you wish, to all who will listen, and your beloved will live on through you.
  • About a year ago I started to write a book about the berivement of a life partner. I go back to it occasionaly and write more words, I don't expect to finish it for several years as I want to write about the entire proccess and how it might change as the years go by. I wrote the following last April and I am saddened and supprised that nothing has changed:

'The sheer emptiness of being on your own, with a thousand memories a day, many caused by everything you see, hear and do. An hour doesn’t go by without so many reminders. It doesn’t matter if I am at home, in the car, going to places. After 47 years there seems to be nowhere and nothing that doesn’t have a memory of us together, things that were said, laughing, unhappiness, the clothes she was wearing the places we went to everything we did.  All of these things constantly enter my mind, they cannot be stopped, and no matter how happy they were I am left sad and sorrowful that they can never ever happen again. My wife’s book is closed and all I am left with is a hundred chapters and a million sentences as my own book goes on and on'.

 

  • In compileing 'Jen thro the Years' I am looking through 100's of photographs of our life together, they remind me of such wonderful, happy and loving times we had together and I spend hours looking at them. Afterwards I take on a deep meloncholy and sadness. I realise that my life can never be the same again. I will never see her again, I will never be with her again, enjoying her company, her jokes, her conversations and most of all her profound love of me. I keep missing her intensely, and every minute of my life is filled with her.  I wonder if I will ever get my life back?  If I don't, then I will accept it, but be liveing such a sad life forever .................
  • I tried to look at 'her mystery card' today, but I just couldn't look at it. It is over a year since I found it and read it. Her words moved to to long lasting and profoud tears, and the feelings I had when I read it still stop me from reading it again, even though I want to, I just know what it will do to me.                                                           I have more than 100 cards of sympathy that were sent to me at the time of her death. I have never benn able to read them, never mind acknowlege them. One day I will read them and acknowledge them, but I know thay will cause me the same pain and sorrow the her 'mystery card' does. Just thinking about all this shows how much I need to heal my brain before I can do normal things, like read those very precious cards.
  • Still working my way through albums for Jens 'through the Years' page. I am finding many photographs I had forgotten about. Today was comedians and Brookeside, 1000's of memories came flooding in. The main one being watching Brooke side with her - she loved that soap! - I can see us together now on the settee, my arm around her, she snuggled in as we watched that series. And the tears keep comming ..............

A record 44 visits today ??????

 

  • I asked Jen a question today [I speak to her all the time] and I was supprised by her answer!? This question was the first one with an answer from her that I was not expecting. Always so far my conversations [I don't ask her that many questions] and her replies are always as I expect, but todays question and her answer was not only in her kind, thoughtful, careingl voice but was a shock when she answered as she did.                                          I will of course follow her good advice and I will start to ask her more questions to see if I get answers I do not expect.                                                                                 Is this madness, a wild imagination, pat of the grieving procces, or what ???
  • I have now read 4 books on Grief, Grieving and every subject on death of a loved one.  None of them have helped, they all describe my feelings so well [proof that it is common] but none offer any solution, because there is no solution. Everyone grieves in their own way. My way feels worst than most because I just cannot get away from constant memories and thoughts of my darling girl, and I can't come to terms with the fact that she is gone forever, and I will never see her again - and the tears come .........
  • One of those very bad days - thinking about her every single moment throughout the day. Everything makes me think of her - places, people, material things, TV, the radio, this house - everything, with no let up - feels like I am going mad?? And everyone says 'It'll get better' - when, if ever??
  • Today I set about finding 'bits' for Jenny's new page - 'Jenny through the Years'. I started by looking through our earliest albums [the 60' and 70's] Typical of my darling she had placed 1000's of photographs in these albums, many with comments in her own hand, but I just had to stop, I was bombarded with memories and thoughts of her. Tears were rolling down my cheeks as I was looking untill everything was so blured and I had to stop ...................                                                                 Even now six hours later my eyes are still stinging and I am filled with sorrow that she is gone forever.
  • This web site is becomming ever more important to me. It's grown in to a kind of book of her life, which is published in her name and in her memory. I enjoy browsing the good and the bad pages.                               It occured to me today that there is little if anything about my darling before the year 2000. I will put that right over the comming weeks by searching for hard copy of anything and scanning it in to the new page I have created [Jenny through the Years]                                     If you knew Jen and have any photographs or anything else from 1999 and/or before PLEASE send them to me.
  • The web site passed the 3000 visits mark today. I realise that these visits are probably, in the main, the same people visiting regularly. I am so pleased for Jen that every visit means someone has thought about her and she is never forgotten, not just by me but by others.         I do, of course, wish I knew who every visitor was every day, and I wish they would leave a message or send me an email to let me know what they think about the pages. I know that Jen would be so pleased she is not forgotten, I certainly am.
  • In the bedroom there is a small circular 'dent' in the carpet between my side of the bed and the chair. I see it every day. Today I tried to get rid of it, but failed.              It is the mark from the bed when we moved the bed round 90 degrees [see 'Jennys last days'] on the evening before she died the following day. It was so she could see the TV to watch 'Midwives' - she just slept and didn't see the TV at all.                                                                  I tried to remove it because it is a major reminder that I see several times aday, a reminder of her last few hours alive. It brings back those vivid awful sad memories of that terrible time, I hate to see it, it makes me cry ,,,,
  • A long nasty empty alone day today, just filled with Jen. Woe is me.. 
  • I live in Jens house, everything in the house is her's - the furniture, the pictures, the ornaments, everything in the kitchen [the cupboards and drawers are as she left them] her wardrobes, her draws, the aireing cupboard, the bedding evrything except my wardrobe and drawers [even they are as she arranged all my clothes and things] Everything remains as it was, I can't bear to change anything out of respect to her. But it is double edged, the million memories flow because I see it all everyday, all the time. And I think of her ..............
  • Doing the ironing continues as one of the most sad and painful jobs to be done. Jen ironed so quickly, I dont. Jen did shirts so beautifully, I dont. Jen ironed all the bed sheets perfectly, I don't know how to do them they are so big.  All in all I hate ironing, not just because I don't do a good job. But I can always see my darling doing it and the reminders of her are so powerful when I do it. I miss her so much I cry.
  • Someone I know wrote the following to me [part of a longer letter] - Hurtful thoughts and words, but probably true - and I am so sad that it is. 

 You leave your house - not the white bungalow, but a little, dark hobbit style house, lit only by candles - and at the front door you put on a body suit, including face mask and venture into the outside world. There you meet, talk and interact. When you go home again, you disrobe and creep back, into your world of shadows. That person in the gloom, though, is the real you.

  • In the sideboard, in the dining room, in a drawer under some other things I found all the knives, forks and spoons that Brooke used from the very beggining to about 5yrs. They were beutifully tied together [6 pieces] with white ribbon.........  So here I am 398 days in STILL finding things she did, for herself and others. I have put them into Brookes 'Memory Box' as I know Jen would have wanted - full of tears as usual ......
  • Todays NEW thought [I have never thought it before untill today] is about how Jens mental process would have been had I died first [we always believed that's what would happen] and because she loved and adored me in just the same way that I love and adore her I am taking her pain instead of her.  Because she died first she has not had to suffer all the pain, sorrow and grief that I have been experiencing for more than a year. She has not had to suffer my death and live with it as I am living with her death. I am pleased and proud to take all this grief and sadness myself rather than be dead leaving her alone to suffer, she will never know what it feels like and I am so glad about this.. By going first she will never know the pain of loosing me. I am glad that she does not have to go through what I am going through and I have taken on the mantle of what would have been her pain and suffering upon my self with true gladness.                          I will let this new thought of mine develop, and probably come back to it, but I take what would have been her pain and sorrow with pride and all the love I have for her.  and now the tears come ...................
  • I am one of many who suffer the enormous grief, sorrow and sadness at the loss of their life partner. I read today of Julian Barnes [Booker prize author] and also Lord Saachi and a man who is in communication with me. All of them are suffering in the very same way I am suffering, all contemplate suicide, all follow rituals in connection with their lost one, just the same as me.                                   I do think a male partner loosing their female parner go through a unique mental anguish that is so intense and special to their grieving. Loosing of parents, siblings, pets and even husbands all carry great pain but not like a man who has lost his 'darling girl'                                               I have spent the day alone today, which does seem to intensify my grief, my memories and missing my girl. Yet I also do not want to be with others, where I have to 'act OK' which is equally, if not more stressfull and exhausting. The main problem when I am alone is the fact that I still cry alot, I have the worst red and stinging eyes you could imagine...
  • And todays jarring memory: My car went in for service today so I borrowed Cassies car, which was Jens car. The following new [and heartwrenching] memories have troubled me all day: - seeing the car in the drive, parked when she parked it makes me think for a split second that she is here, at home - sitting in the car driving it, makes me think of her driving it, as she always did, with me as passenger [I used to stroke the back of her kneck when she was drining, EVERY time we were in the car together] - several things of hers are still in the car [I think Cas must like them there] I have handled them, and kissed them today, knowing she had put them there.                    Even though the house and contents, my car and now her car, not supprisingly, fill my mind all the time with her, and the tears always come. I am not sure my mental anguish would all go away if I moved away from all these material things of hers and started afresh, which is what I am trying to do. But it might lessen it all a bit? I hope it will?
  • I was contacted to day by a man who has recently lost his wife. He said my thoughts, feelings, sadness and sorrow are his feelings, and he gets some comfort from looking at this website.  This makes me feel gratified that this site is helping someone else through  a similar experience. As I said to him. no one can even start to understand the pain and sorrow that results in the loss of your partner, unless it happens to you. And in this case it is me.                                                                                    I contiue to fell that my life is meaningless and empty and I am just going through the motions, pretending to everyone that I am OK.  Really I am so very sad and sorrowful all day, every day, and I still cry as though I lost my darling today......
  • Cooking for Brooke today was so hard, I always put a happy fun face on for her, so she doesn't know how I feel using Jens things, in the draws- everything, stting the table as she always did, sitting where I always sat, Brook where she has always sat since she was 4 yrs old, but Jens seat is empty. She can never again see her beloved Brooke enjoy the food she used to cook. Brooke fills the dishwasher as she always has, straight to the dishwasher tablets where she knows Dodo always kept them.   When I come to empty the dishwasher, the sound of taking things out and putting them away is the very same sound I heard so often when Jen was doing it, and after Brooke had gone the tears came ....
  • I was speaking to a friend of Jens today. I was supprised to hear what a impact Jen had on her. She siad that she saw her often in her thoughts, often in our kitchen [same as me] and she heard her voice, clear and vibrant [her words] [same as me] I asked what she was saying - she was talking about cooking came the reply.                               I am always thrilled when someone speaks openly about Jen and this was the case today. It just confirms to me what an impact she had on so many people - but most of all the impact she had on me. As always I miss her so much, I wish I could be with her again, and the tears come ..........
  • I watched a programme on Iceland today, not that I was interested so much in the programme, but it reminded me of our Annerversary trip there in 2007. They of course had the most wonderful view of the Northern Lights, when we went we saw nothing and I was reminded of her dissapointment in not seeing them. I was reminded of our entire trip, our difficulty in finding the hotel on arrival [long story] and so many other memories of us together, happy and carefree and so much in love.                                                      I cried thro' much of the programme, and now today, there is nothing and my eyes continue stinging......
  • At home alone today [in fact 36 hours alone] It is a strange feeling and ensures my mind is filled with Jen without interuption. If Jen was alive we would probably have done nothing, just as I did. But she would have been in and about the house, and I would hear her cleaning, cooking, always busy doing something, or maybe just reading her beloved Sunday Times I cannot buy any paper on Sunday it reminds me to much of her. But most of all her/our chat and converstions. She had a view/opinion/thought about everything and our conversations were never ending. She also had a develish sence of humor and we spent a lot of time laughing.                                                           What a deep dark hole she has left in my life...... and my eyes remain stinging
  • Brooke brought me some flapjacks today, made just as Jen taught her, I was thirilled. I asked why she had made them. She said because Dodo had asked her to!? I said what do you mean, she said because of Dodos letter. That was proof to me that she has seen this site. I wonder when and how, I must try to find out - I worry a bit if she has found this site and is reading it, she is perhaps too young?? I will also mention it to her dad [Bob] and see what he thinks.     Anyway Dodo/Jen would be thrilled, and as she handed them over Jen said "Ah, Bless Her" and I am crying as I write this .........
  • Normal [for me] day thinking about her all the time. I am thinking about lowering the price of my house [again for the 3rd time] Jen said it will sell just be patient and was keen for me to move on as per my promise no. 27 - She also said remember all your promises - I wonder why she said that. I repeated my reply to her - it was easy to make those promises when you were alive, but hard to keep some of them now you are gone - she said you will darling ...... and I cried.
  • I had lunch with two dear friends today [both widowers] and we had a very interesting conversation about our rituals since widowhood came to us.                                         I was interested to hear that I am not alone in speaking to our now lost partners, and the fact that they hear their loved ones voice, sometimes replying and sometimes starting a conversation,  they say goodnight and good morning to them. All just as I do.                                     Knowing that makes me feel more normal, and I told Jen when I got home about my lunch. She said that it just goes to show how much they loved their partners, just as you loved me and I agreed....
  • What a joy my darling grand daughter Brooke is! I never mention Dodo to her but I am thrilled when she mentions her to me.  Today we were talking about food she likes, and she said she liked all the food Dodo used to cook for her [Jen was a wonderful cook] her favourites were fishcakes followed by fried chicken and fishfingers.  I explained that Dodo made her fishfingers with line cought cod fillets that she cut into the shape of a fish finger and then floured, dipped in beaten egg, breadcrumbed and fried. The same for chicken breast, and fishcakes were the same cod, flaked and mixed with a tiny bit of creamed potato. Why did she do all that, particularly the fish fingers [I like fish she said] I explained that she was worried you might not like pure fish so she pretended they were fishfingers. 'Thats why I dont like the fishfingers at school Dodo didn't make them!'            I am so happy when Brooke talks about and remembers her special Dodo. But as I write this the tears come .......
  • Carrying on from yesterdays thoughts - I told Cass about my mental problem. Besides being so sympathetic she suggested I disscuss the problem with my doctor? No pills for me, but I might consider it. Not that my GP could help but he might refer me to someone who could??             Today was as bad [or good] as ever, I see her, I speak to her, she speaks to me, I am reminded of her, I think about her all the time..... with tears in my stinging eyes.....
  • I am starting to become concerned - in the past if I am able to fill my mind with something, anything other than Jen I do get a little respite. The last few days this has not worked, even in the middle of complex and detailed thoughts or problem solving or conversations, she bursts into my thought process and takes over my mind completely. At this time more than 90% of my conscious thought concerns Jen and I am unable to concentrate on anything else - very tiring and without respite. How do I solve these all comsuming thought pattens?
  • Thinking of my special darling Jen so much today -  Mothers Day - Bob would come with flowers and Cass would come with a small present to say thank you for being such a special Mum, today nothing  -  for me - no change.  Just the same, sorrow, sadness, missing her like mad and ...... tears.
  • I was thinking long and hard today about what we would have been doing were she still alive and with me.  I concluded that we would have been doing nothing more than I have been doing today. I would have eaten much better meals, I would have helped with all the washing up, but apart from that nothing.  Except the most important thing - we would have been talking, chatting and laughing all day, but today, alone, silence and emptyness, and that is what kills me. We were great 'pals', she used to call me her best 'pal' and we had non stop conversations about anything and everything and that is what I miss most of all - being with 'my pal'.......[tears]
  • I have mentioned before and elsewhere in the site that Oxted PC have ownerous burial ground regulations. I want Jen to have a wonderful grave memorial and in due course [the sooner the better] a joint single memorial for the two of us [I have set money aside for this very purpose]. I am seeking a small variation to the existing regulations [size of memorial stone and a double memorial stone] Having got nowhere with letters I visited the last BGCommittee meeting in person. I was allowed 3 minutes to address them. At the end I was told they would reconsider and I would hear from them in due course. Having already been told they are not minded to change the regulations, I think I will get another turn down in due course.                                                This matter has been on my mind since I lost my darling, it is a kind of promise I made to myself at her funeral, it is very important to me to give her the kind of grave she deserves and which I want her to have. I will keep going but any Ideas you may have do please tell me.......
  • I have realised that since it happened so many things remind me of Jen, places, music, tv programs, in the car, in the house. But most of all when I am speaking to and listening to ANYONE.  Friends - they do of course mention her, but even when they dont, they say things in conversation that have nothing to do with Jen, but what they say brings her into my mind loud and clear. Just a short conversation today for example mentioned the following and each subject brought her clear and strong into my mind: toast, washing, Bluewater, mobile phone, wife, daughter, cooking, buying food, lunch meeting, computer.... on and on, and I have to cover up my feelings all the time, non stop. All of which adds up to being on my own which protects me from these never ending memories and thoughts.  Strangers - even people I have never met say things which cause the same thoughts and memories, today for example. Bus, wife, ill, car journey, sunny day, garden.  I seem to live in a world that conspires to reming me of my darling, with out respite. Only sleep solves the problem. So hard to carry on with so much pain and sorrow and these constant non stop reminders.
  • With a wonderful friend today - he understands me so well. He always finds interesting topics for us to talk about [every possible subject you can imagine] and he works really hard to keep my mind off my usual thoughts and feelings, and he suceeds for much of the time.  And when I do talk about my feelings and sometime breakdown he just 'waits' for me to overcome them. [which for me is the right thing to do] I think he understands what I am going through more than anyone else I know. I respect and admire him so much.
  • She has no idea how hard that first promise is for me, I have to keep reminding my self of it. she says hang on in there, it will get easier - but it doesn't. I see her all the time and I want to be with her.
  • I was talking to Cass today about how I have no respite at all from constantly thinking about Jen. How all my days are mentaly suspended, as though I am waiting for her to return, I have no interest in anything or any body - Yes I put on a good act when I am with people, but it is all pretend, and unknown to them she is in my mind all the time. Whatever they may say or do I can be certain something they say or do will bring her loud and clear in to my mind.  They of course don't know its happening, its like she is there in the background at all times, giving me messages or comments, even facial expressions.  Life for me is so misserable, missing her, I remain in suspended animation, waiting ....
  • Took all my close family [6 inc me] for a special Jens Birthday Dinner - I won't be doing it again that way. Apart from Bob at the very start raising his glass 'To Mum' [bless him] no further mention of Jen was made. The entire evening was funfilled and jolly except for me. I dont know what I wanted it to be, perhaps more Jen mentions. The reality was a family dinner with no Jen - I did not enjoy it, and as I have stated we will not be doing it that way again. I think that just the three of us is best for Jens memory dinners - only three of us are truely affected and miss her.  I can hear her saying 'it doesn't matter' but it does to me. Its all for her in her name but I seem to be the only one bothered? and its what I think she would want and what I want for her that is important so I will rethink for next years sad anniversaries.  I wonder what to to for our wedding anniversary in October??? 

MY Darling would heve been so proud of her beloved Brooke [see her unfinshed letter to Brooke] I have put a small copy of this photo [with all the words removed] at her grave in the misguided hope that she might see it and know about it.

Every day remains the same - missing her so very much all the time....

  • Brett came today with beautiful flowers, the same he brought for her some years ago. They are now on her grave thank you for caring Brett.                                             As usual every time I visit her grave I look at who has joined her. I pay special attention to those who have joined her. Under 70 and I feel much sympathy, over 70 and I am jelous that the had so many more years of life than my precious darling. The latest two were 82 and 86 18/20 years more than my darling. I RAGE.  What I would have given for a few more years with her, instead anger that she is gone and I am alone without her - not lonely, alone without her for the rest of my life, let it be short.....
  • I have been thinking so hard about my future life with out her. I cannot see a way out of my misery and sadness. She would say 'Be glad you are alive and get on with your life' but I can't.  I still cannot believe I will never see her or be with her again, and though I try so hard to put a brave happy face on for all my family and friends I am rageing in side that she is gone, so young, so beautiful, so caring, so kind, so thoughtful - she means everything to me and always will .....
  • Her Birthday today has been very much filled with tears and sorrow Not just thinking about her and our past birthdays together, but also the several others who remembered it was her Birthday and sent me some thoughtfull and careing notes and messages. In one way I am glad that her Birthday and Deathday are so close together [the comming months might offer me some respite] but comming so close together gives me such pain sorrow and tears over 5 days. And I still remain in deep mourning - its mental torture.

 

 

And now it's her birthday today 26th February:

 

'Happy Birthday my sweetest Darling'

I have loved you since we first met

I will never stop loving you

I miss you so very much ...

 

 

  • I had a look in the bags on the side of her bike today - I haven't looked before. I found a receipt for tea bags [sept 2010] a conker, lip balm and a single black leather glove. This was her 'best' leather glove lost in 2011. She was very upset it was 'gone' and she searched for many days. eventualy I bought her a new pair to take her mind off her lost glove. and now I have found it, 13 months too late. I shouted to her loudly in the garage 'Ive found your glove darling, Ive found it' and cried....
  • After the anniversary of her death, I now have to face her birthday [26th] and her funeral [28th] and then the terrible month of February is over. Will I feel better in March, I hope so, but I doubt it.                                                        I have taken a new photo of her grave [all yet to be put on this site] because a friend made a special visit to her grave on the 21st to place beautiful flowers and in the flowers was a hand written card which brought me to total heavy weeping, -  the words are here:

The envelope said 'for Jenny'

 

I'm sending a dove to heaven

With a parcil on it's wings

Becareful when you open it

It's full of beautiful things.

 

Inside are a million kisses

Wrapped up in a million hugs

To say how much we miss you

And to send you all our love

 

We hold you close within our hearts

And there you will remain

To Walk with us throughout our lives

Untill we meet again.

 

In memory of a very special lady

 

 

I am now crying again - Goodnight ............

  • A wonderful conversation with Brooke about Dodo this afternoon after visiting her grave. A wonderful 'In Memory' dinner this evening with my two children, we talked about her, they told me their special memories of their mum, I told them special memories about my darling wife, we looked at photographs of her, the evening was devoted to her and her Memory.
  • Today - Vivid Memories, Great Sadness and Tears.
  • We [Cass, Bob and me] moved her bed round 90 degrees today last year, so she could see out of the french doors and also see the TV.                                                 Little did any of us know she would die tomorrow.   so very very sad ............
  • Only thoughts of her - numbness, sadness, regret and tears.....
  • Today there is Only two and a half days of her life left. Neither of us knew the day and time she would die and we both hoped it would be many more days yet. But it was not to be - in two and a half days from now she would be gone. As the dreadful day and time approach I can think of nothing but these sad and painful last few days of her life with me - I do want to think of the 45 wonderful years we had together [as people tell me to do] but I can't - I just keep thinking of the last few days and hours of her/our life and to her death, at 12.28pm on the 21st and I cry alot...............
  • Of all the people in the world it should not have happened to her. I love her, I think about her, I miss her, I want her back. Life without her is shit ...
  • I don't understand why, but I am dreading the comming 1st anniversay of her death with fear and trepidation. I don't want that date to arrive, It has been such a long time without her, and yet her last days and her death at 12.28pm on that awful Tuesday are vivid, just as though it was yesterday. I am so very sad and her last days and her death are with me every minute of every day. I am still in shock, and I still can't believe it's happened and I will never see her again. I miss her so much ......
  • As that deadful anniversary draws ever closer [now only 7 days away] I find myself reliving each day. I read the 'Diary' and her 'Last days' and remember everything so clearly. Today last year, when she realised she would never see her darling Brooke again [she was so dissapointed and sad about this] she said she would like to write her a 'good bye' letter. She was so weak and spoke so slowly she could not write it herself, so as she dictated I wrote her words down. It was a beautiful letter, but she was never able again to complete it. I did remind her, but she always said 'later' [this letter is on this website] I have reread it now and I remember sitting ther writing her words so clearly, I can see the pen, the paper, and her lying in her most comfortable position [on her side] I was crying then, and I am crying now.....
  • Cassie Tweeted her mums web page yesterday - the site has had 40 more visits than usual - I am pleased that so many 'new' people have visited and therefore thought about my darling, but not one message, comment or contact and I am so keen to know who all these visitors are?

 

  • My new 'Anniversary Wreath is complete - Popys, Daffodils and her most favourite yellow tulips. If you were at he funeral you will remember the 64 yellow tulips on the table next to her photograph. She asked for the yellow tulips for her funeral - and whenever I see one my mind takes me straight to her. The tulips are just coming through the snow, they are all yellow, planted by her    Yet another of the countless things I see that reminds me of her and that she is gone forever, and I cry ..............
  • It was Bobs birthday dinner this evening. Both Bob and Cass spoke with love and tenderness about their Mum. Bob said this was his first birthday without her and that he missed her and wished she was here. Cassie remembered some past happy birthdays that the four of us had shared, including the last one when we were all round her bed and Cass had bought Bobs present to her Mums instructions, which he opened with her.                                                         At this stage we all knew she was going to die and as usual Jen encouraged us all 'not to be sad - it would be alright'  We all missed her so much..........
  • We are as one, I am her and she is me.
  • I have started to make a new wreath for Jens grave [ready for the 21st] It will be filled with her favourite flowers and I will place it on her grave when it is ready and of course photograph it for insertion here on her web page. As I construct the wreath I try to make it perfect for her and all the time I can't believe I am doing it, the fact that she is no longer here with me and I am making a wreath for her grave kills me...............
  • Today was the last time Jen left the house [she could hardly walk and was so weak] we visited the consultant and he gave us the deadful news [his letter has its own section in the menu] I could not believe it and Jen was so very brave..... I can't write any more, sorry ......
  • Such a bad day today - non stop thinking about my darling, missing her so very much. My life is nothing without her and am miserable and sad and cry alot.  I could never imagine in a million years the profound effect losing her would do to my mind, I am distraught...........
  • I realise that I am still thinking that she will come home to me and the house is kept ready and I am waiting for her to return ...
  • I ironed today. I can't do it anymore, I will have to use a laundry. I am filled with memories of my darling ironing, in the spare bedroom, at the window, with music on very loud. When I try to iron shirts like she did, I just make a mess of them, which causes me pain and sorrow - enough of ironing.
  • I think about the first days we realised that death was to come quite soon. I still can't beieve how brave my darling was and how she supported me and our kids 'Don't worry/cry it will be alright' she said this to us so many times.                                                                         I stiil can't beleive we have lost her forever .....
  • I wish I didn't, but I can't help it. I have to look in various places in the house in case I have missed something from/about Jen. Today I found the original ultrasound scan from the GP. We read it together, the datails are in various sections to your left [particularly 'Jens last days' and the 'day by day diary'                                                       The day we read it together is so very clear - just like yesterday - I miss my darling so much.............
  • A few close friends know that Jenny speaks to me most days. Today I was asked what does she say? I explain that she always speaks first and I answer. I of course know its only in my head, but I hear her voice so clearly. The things she says are many and variable and random. Todays converations were typical - 'what do you want to eat darling' - 'lets have a nice cup of tea' - 'You mucky pup' [I spilt something] - and many more, each one I reply to and it often leads to a conversation, I reply out loud always.         I know its stange, but it happens and it's so nice to hear her voice so clearly, some of the things she says make me cry as I reply.                                                               Tonite, as I dropped Cass at her house I heard Jen say 'take care precious darling',  So I also said it to Cass and I also said to Cass your mum is saying it too, she just smiled and said good. I drove off crying .....

 

  • Today was the first of such sad days to come. We read together the GPs notes re the scan and blood test [Which I had asked for to give to the Consultant] - see 'Jennys last days' and the 'day by day diary'
  • In a strage way, I was pleased today to note that this web site has now passed the 2000 visits mark [it went from 1995 yesterdat to 2012 today] Besides my daily non stop thoughts and memories I am pleased that more than 2000 other people have also thought [and read about] my darling precious Jenny [when ever I type her name I cry]             The purpose of this web site was a memorial to my darling, and it seems to be working.
  • On visiting my darlings grave today [to take a photograph in the snow] A new burial had taken place - I check at once the age and gender of the of the 'new' person - It was a 64 year old man. Since my darling was buried there have been 5 other burials, interestingly none next to Jen or next to my plot. So her grave remains in a lot of space.                      I am always interested in the age of the person in the new graves - over 70 and I am not interested, but under 70 and I well understand how their family will be feeling [cheated out of 5/10 years] Of the five people who have died after Jen only one was over 70 [female 91] the others 1 female 67, one child, 2 men 64 & 67.                                   Where is the three score years and ten for these 4 people, don't take anything for granted when you reach 63, I did, by assuming I would die first and look what happened, I lost my precious darling one year later aged 64.
  • This is how it happens - 9pm making a cup of tea, got a teaspoon from the drawer and realised it was a spoon Jen always used to eat a boiled egg with. The spoon is very small and goes into an egg perfectly. That reminded me about us enjoying our boiled eggs and toast fingers. I pictured us eating them together. Then of course it hits me that all those wonderful days are gone, and I cry... just from a little teaspoon
  • Today,  12 months ago, my darling had a CT scan, the memory of going, waiting and bringing her home is vivid.
  • I reread the consultants letter today - his final sentence was 'I am very sorry for this outcome' sorry is not the word I was horrified, terrified, frightened and heart broken that I was going to loose my darling girl. I remember our visit [the last time we ever went out together] so clearly, and now crying about it all........
  • Nothing changes - sad empty days, thinking of her all the time, feeling sorry for my self because I am alone without her. I miss her so much and I love her as much as ever. what am I to do with the rest of my empty life???
  • Just more of the same - missing her so much, thinking about her all the time. So sad am I and I am.
  • I am pleased to see 14 people have viewed Jennys video so far - I wish I knew who you are and that sometimes someone would leave a comment. But I am pleased that 10 to 15 people each day look at the site and hence remember Jen.
  • All the bad anniversaries are now just round the corner - I look at the day by day diary page and try to strengthen my self for the terrble dates yet to come.
  • This house is the major problem, every time I come home I am filled with grief.  As I drive in the driveway it starts and doesn't stop, I don't go in the lounge, or any other room, just the kitchen [the worst place] and the bedroom. Everything reminds me of her. Yet I have the following quandry, to stay here kills me, but to go would feel like I was leaving her [which I can't do] So I am stuck - I am stuck in so many ways - Stuck, unable to stop my brain thinking about her all the time - always leading to sadness, sorrow and tears.....
  • A very bad, sorrowful and filled with tears today.  I still can not believe that my life with my darling has ended. I can't believe I will never see her again, never be with her again. never talk with her again. This makes me so very very sad, miserable and unhappy and I cry .... As I am now.
  • Food and cooking remains a serious problem for me. It brings such powerful thoughts and memories.  I can't cook or eat anything that she/we used to cook and eat together. Which means my food consumption is limited to readymeals from the micro wave, something Jenny would really hate. But the thoughts in that kitchen are all consuming Jenny thoughts, which leave me crying.                                               One of my/our brunch/lunch snacks is fried egg on fried bread, which I/we enjoyed so much,  she cooked the eggs I did the fried bread and then we would sit at the kitchen table and eat it. I really loved that snack and have not eaten it, since at least 15 months ago. I have thought I could make it for myself [as I like it so much] But buying the eggs to fry, standing at the cooker with two frying pans [one for eggs, Jens job and one for the bread, my job] brings such powerful and overwhelming sad and sorrowful thoughts visions and memories I just cant do it.                 Any food that Jennifer used to make and cook I can't eat because of the memories and thoughts and because I just know it will be a disapointment because it just won't taste the same ......
  • A harrowing day - with the help of a dear friend the new videos of Jen were edited, joined together and up loaded on to face book. The editing was the part that broke me, at the end of her birthday video she says the most wonderful things about me, from her heart and with love. Just thinking about this leaves me crying...... I miss her so very much.
  • I received an email today from a friend who is also greaving like me. He was talking about "1st's" ie sad anniversaries yet to come, Part of my reply was as follows:                      As you say, a myriad of sad anniversaries are on the way - the worst dates to come after Christmas & New Year are for me: 16th Jan [Jen couldn't enjoy her grand daughters birthday] 7th Feb [her terrible diagnosis] 21st Feb [her death] 26th Feb [her birthday] 28th Feb [her funeral] - And as you say these sad sad 1st anniversary dates will come and go and like you I will await the sorrow, sadness and pain to pass, I do hope it does as I am living a life that is empty and meaningless.
  • I received a caring email from one of Jens closest and long term [35 yrs] friends. She also invited me for lunch with her husband. She, and one other, are so closely accociated with Jen that I find it almost impossible to be with them as my memories mean that every minute with them brings none stop vivid memories of my darling, particulatly as Jen used to talk about her with such affection. You will understand that a visit will cause me much pain.  I think Jen would say 'you must go for me' and I will, but I have to prepare mentally before I do......... 
  • I can't stop looking at the Day by Day Diary section and remembering each day we had together, by this time she was not well but tried to carry on as normal. Everything from Christmas was now packed away for next year, little did she or I know what was to come. What causes me most pain in that neither of us knew and we both carried on as normal - these last few 'normal' days would have been so different had I of known what was to happen. And when I did know it was to late - there were no normal days left for us........
  • I find I still can't talk about her without a quivering bottom lip and quite often tears, this is when her name comes up with family or our friends. I find I have to stop the conversation.   This evening on the telephone, I was asked 'how are you' I said 'as usual' 'tell me about it' she said, and just that simple question brought the quiver and I said 'I cant, I will get too upset'.  I wonder if and when I might be able to talk about her without breaking down.....
  • The very bad days continue, my overwhelming grief, sorrow and missing her continue on a intense, non stop, journey in my head. She is always calm, happy and smiling, in every vision. The visions, images and voices [above] continue all the time. Never any respite, it's a terrible existance and the life I lead would make her sad - but I can't help it - it's a terrible existance without her..............
  • Bad, bad day - she has been on my mind all the time, I took the family Ice Skating and all I could think about was how much she would have enjoyed being the with me and all of them. Tonite I am missing her more than ever, wishing so much she was here with me and I am so very sad and tearful...
  • Yet another suprise [these horrible/lovely suprises keep comming, this was the 6th], I was throwing out 100's of BAFTA videos from the last 4 years. Jen had put them in to date order in/on various shelves/cupboards, she liked to keep them all - in case she wanted to see them again. On a window ledge, behind a curtain in a spare room were 15+ dvds of kids cartoons [I assume for Brook] one of them was a dvd marked 'to Jenny from Jenny' On putting it in the machine it turned out to be 25 minutes of my darlings 60th Birthday party. It was wonderful to see again [I had not seen it for 5 years] she gives a wonderful birthday speech. I have decided to scrap the awful job of trying to patch together countless glimpses of her. This dvd is the perfect way of seeing and hearing her.                                       I watched it through twice, tears rolling down my cheeks throughout........
  • Still ill, and no Jen is not aiding recovery, in the past if I was ill she was wonderful....
  • I am ill with the 'n virus'
  • 12 months ago this christmas eve, everything was done/ready for tomorrow. We always ate together our favourites - fresh lobster salad followed by her creme brulee, she always put 3 rasberrys in the bottom. Then we would set the table for tomorrow, prepare all the food ready for cooking, make sure the house was ready for the 8/10 who would be joining us tomorrow. Then we would go for our earlier night [11ish].                                                  We always went to bed together, bathroom together, get into bed together, kiss each other and snuggle up for sleep. This was always our practice and we did it for 45 years.                                                                               What am I left with, alone in the house, undecorated and a million thoughts of my darling girl - it's horrible ......
  • Chistmas is breaking, even more, my already broken heart, Alone this first christmas with out her and filled with thousands of memories of christmas's past - 47 of them.  I heard this today - listen to the words on this YouTube version. It sums it all up for me.........
  • Some more christmas cards today addressed to Mr and Mrs or Jim and Jennifer  -  if only they knew what grief and sorrow they cause - I now dread the postman comming - I don't even open them and put them straight into the bin.  I will be so glad when this time [her special time] is overwith and gone.  All the effort everyone makes and I see and hear it all, brings back all the memories of this special time I spent with her, together - it is pure mental torcher.......
  • And still the unexpected shock finds/memories happen - today our [oh!] my deepfreeze was making a strange noise.  I have not opened it since before she died. It was filled with my favourites - Kippers [I used to give her the best bits] Japenese soup [bought for me] Mussels [we both loved them] Fish, Chips, breadcrumbs [for chicken for Brooke] - so many things she had bought.  I was overcome, as I always am when I have a shock find/ memory, cried, cried her name and missed her intensly .....
  • My children have suggested today that on Christmas Eve we visit their Mums grave all together - a wonderful thought and idea. I will have to prepare myself to hold it all together when I go with them.                                                    I will suggest they should not bring fresh flowers - the rabbits, birds and foxes will destroy them with in days [that reminds me of the nurse who told me Jen would die within days] so I will suggest they think of a token that cannot be eaten.                                                                       Still miss her so much every minute of every day [and night] 
  • I have spent the last 3 days alone,  no kids visits, no other visits, seeing no one, just me alone with my never ending thoughts of how diffent my life was with Jen, lots of reminders as usual, intermittent tears and a miserable existance........
  • Today, when I visited Jens grave, her festive front door wreath had been destroyed by animals - I put what was left back togther and put it back on her grave  crying all the time.
  • I have received, so far. seven Cards from distant family and friends, I am so relieved that all those who received my email have honoured my request. these 7 cards were addressed to 'Mr & Mrs' or 'Jim and Jennifer', two said 'hope you are both well' and 'we must meet up in 2013'.  Before binning them I looked to see who didn't know of my loss.   I then wrote to them, telling them, and even now, after more than 42 weeks tears and sorrow filled my mind as I wrote. My mind, as usual now, is filled with thoughts and memories of her all the time, I need some respite. I am mentally exhausted...........
  • Nothing changes.  I went to a baking class today [a treat from special friends] It was very hard for me - Jen was a great breadmaker - I just had visions of her all the time, stood in our kitchen, making that wonderful bread that she made, and when it came out of the oven, cutting me a piece and poping it in my mouth - "How is it" she would ask - it was always wonderful and I would tell her.  I can see her face so vividly when I told her - proud and happy - God I love her and miss her so much.......
  • I thought today, there are thousands of people grieving about a lost one just like me. Not that it makes any difference to me and my great sadness, but checkout anyone you know who has become a member of this dreadful club in the last couple of years - treat them with love and caring and give them a chance to tell you how they feel about their loss and themselves, and don't be worried if they cry - just listen - it really will help them both to talk about it and perhaps slowly come to terms with the fact that their loved one is gone forever.
  • I saw a psychoanalist today - as expected, appart from talking about my sadness and sorrow with a trained third party, who would give me space to talk freely and openly about my grief, there was nothing that can be done. There is no magic fix or strategy available.   Time is the only way it can get better, the analyst thought two to three years would be the 'norm' to be able to come to terms with my great loss. So only 20ish months to go!! ?????????????????
  • Thank goodness the miserable and sorrowful weekend is over........
  • Weekends are the worst. We always together every minute on every weekend, it was always our special time gogether,from 1977 when I was able to not have to work weekends anymore.  35 years of being with each other every Saturday and Sunday.  No wonder I miss her every weekend, and my mind, as I write this, is fulled with a million thoughts of us together at the weekend.  I was going to write about our usual Saturdays and Sundays, but I can't and won't .............
  • I am going to make an appointment with a psychoanalist to look if there is a way out of my mental anguish, sorrow and misery - I doubt it will help but I will try.  I am also thinking about making a list of a typical days countless thoughts which involve my darling and cause me such pain sadness and sorrow.  I might put it on here? - just for the record and my future interest when and if I get better.
  • An interesting Guestbook comment today, from a man called Keith [a US email address] It is giving me guidence [but he liked this website] which I will consider - anything to get out of the mental mess I am in?
  • I placed our front door Christmas wreath on her grave today. She kept is safe for so many years, always adjusting the little robin every year - she loved that wreath. I hope it stays safe with her. If it is still there after the new year I will bring it home ready for 2013.                                     I can see her now stepping back from the front door [with me] to ensure it was straight and looked perfect - woe is me........
  • In an email I mentioned how I wish so much that I could relive the last ten years with her, not that I would change anything, except love her even more.  He replied that I should look forward not backwards, and remember my children and grand daughter and how they needed me.  I don't think they do, they care about me, but they have their own busy lives to live, and they are getting on with it.  Whereas I remain alone, empty, unhappy, miserable and full of thoughts of my darling girl. Is there any point in carrying like this I wonder .....
  • Just sad and misserable most of the time, missing her so very much. Cassie returned from Amsterdam and her tales of her visit brought back overwhelming memories of our time there together - I had to leave the room I was so upset.  I wait and wait for my life to improve but I am stuck with sadness and sorrow.  In fact this is no life to live.
  • Just more of the same, missing her, thinking about her, sad and tears several times
  • My daughter and her partner went to Amsterdam for 3 days, it was her birthday today.    So my consuming thoughts and memories, for the whole day were firstly about us together at Cassies birthday 12 months ago and all our happy years living in Holland - I see her with me in both places all the time and I can't clear my mind - I am still waiting for the intencity to die down  - when oh when will it happen ...........
  • Today, when I visited her grave, I found one of my special hand made wreaths had been removed. I serched the entire burial ground it was nowhere to be seen? Who and why sould someone show so much disrespect for my darling and she and I can do nothing about it.                                   I was going to put her beloved front door wreath on her grave on 10th December [when Christmas for her started] but I will, tomorrow, place it on her grave which will give me plenty of time to make a new special replacement.  I hope so much nobody takes that one it was so special to her. I will take a photo of it, in its special new location.               I love her and miss her so very much ...............
  • Nine dreadful Anniversaries are almost upon me, each one will cause me grief sadness and sorrow - they are: Christmas, New Year, the day her illness started, Brookes birthday, Bobs birthday, Her diagnosis, Her Death, Her birthday, Her burial. All will come between now and 1st March.   As each one comes I will mention it on this page, but I dread the next three months.                                   I have decided that I will try to ignore Christmas/New Year, they were so important to my darling and she/we enjoyed them so very much.   Alone without her I cannot concieve, so I will email/write to everyone I/we knew/know to tell them for me the Festive season does not exist and I will tell them not to dare to send me a card. The thought of a card, or anyone wishing me Christmas Greetings will disrespect me, Jen and all past Festive seasons we had happily together.  I dread it....
  • Jen was an avid texter, she would send a text at the drop of a hat, and always reply - she had to send the last text every time!                                                           Cassie told me over the weekend she had saved all the texts from her mum and her replies. between the 27th December and the 5th February there are more than 80 texts, 44 from Jen.  Cassie, at my request, has copied and pasted them all to me, I now have them safe on a word doc.                                                                          I, of course, read every one carefully and slowly, tears came and have not stopped.   Her texts to Cas stopped on the 5th Feb about the time we first realised she was going to die and by which time she was always very exhausted - I just wish there were more to read...................
  • Been on my own all day today [I am not lonely but I am alone] I know it's this house that is a pain and a pleasure. It is Jens house everything in it is hers, placed where she chose. The only part I can say is mine is my wardrobe and my bedside table. Thus when I am here I am bombarded with thoughts and reminders of my darling girl.   I love it and hate it. I love it because I am closer to her than anywhere else, her things are everywhere. I Hate it because it reminds me all the time she is gone.  The house is for sale - when it's sold I will move to an appartment [see my promises] - I think I might feel better because it will be mine not Jens, and therefore no constant bombardment of memories,  but I will regret so much that I am leaving her, and she will not see me in my new location and my constant thoughts that come to me, as I live here will diminish.  For me this is  'loose or loose' .....
  • Grow a mustache for prostrate cancer? - crap.... 78 men died last year thousands were cured.  7900 people were diagnosed with pancriatic cancer 360 survived one year 7600 didn't and died, my darling girl Jen was one of them. I wish there was a way of knowing you had it before it was too late, but there isn't and if you have it you will die within weeks just like Jen did. I will make sure my top lip is shaved clean tomorrow in memory of my darling girl, who I contiue to love and miss so very very much - she consumes my thoughts all day and every day. Life is shit but I don't die - roll on.
  • I had dinner with a dear friend this evening. She told me she follows 'My Random Thoughts'. At least I don't have to tell her how I am feeling - its all here. The fact that she visits this site means she not only thinks about me, but much more importantly Jennifer - which is pleasing because those regular visitors including my friend will think about Jen when they visit, which is the purpose of the site.
  • I lunched today with four special friends, the same four friends WE used to lunch with - every time I am together with them I always remember our lunches together when we were six not five. The empty place was still there. I excused myself three times, ostensibly for a cigarette, but in truth it was so I didn't cry infront of them. I think I was 'normal' whilst with them and they didn't notice my overwhelming sadness and sorrow.
  • I heard a song today and have not been able to get it off my mind - the lyrics I keep sing are:

 No I can't forget your leaving 

 Or your face as you were going

 But I guess that's just the way, the story goes

 You always smile but in your eyes

 Your sorrow shows, yes it shows

 

 No I can't forget tomorrow

 When I think of all my sorrow

 When I had you there but then you had to go

 And now it's only fair that I should let you know

 What you should know

 

 I can't live, if living is without you

 I can't live, I can't give anymore

 I can't live, if living is without you

 I can't live, I can't live anymore

 

  • What I cannot come to terms with and my insumountable problem is that fact that I will never see her or be with her ever ever again. I will never touch her, speak to her, be intimate with her, share all the special things we did together, laugh with her, have fun with her, have deep converstaions with her, enjoy her wonderful cooking.   As you know by now, I think about her all the time, she is with me all the time and we are one together, I hear her voice speaking to me, I have regular visions of her. My entire existance is filled by her and everything I ever experienced with her, and so it has been for 270+ days now. I cannot come to terms with any part of it ...... I just miss her with an ache so strong my stomach churns and I feel ill and incapacitated all the time
  • At the grave today I had a very clear vision of her walking away, wearing her favourite light tan coat and her black scarf, she looked back several times and waved to me, as she always did, and I waved back each time, with tears of course ..........
  • Several times in the last few weeks, when I wake up in the morning, I reach over to her side to stroke her. In that split second before I am fully awake I realise she is not there and I sit up with a start looking for her, then I realise she will never be there again - tears follow.
  • Tearful and crying most of the day, except when I was with Brooke - a happy fun Papa at all times - when Brooke had gone, back to tear's.   I am miserable every day, most of the time, and waiting for it to end, will it?
  • I was looking for an old, little used email address, and came upon all the many emails received and sent out between 1st Jan and 1st March last year - like the 'druggie' I am I read them all - tears started and haven't stopped.

Three main thoughts toay, besides the usual that I keep mentioning

  • When we were sorting the 100's of her christmas decorations, I kept a few together [photographed on her christmas page] with our Front Door wreath which I placed on our front door for 28 years. she loved that wreath and in particular the little Robin. There it was in it's own wrapping waiting for Christmas 2012. I will place it on her grave [on the 10th December when she/ I would put it in our Front Door] and take a photograph for you, and if it's still there on Jan 2nd 2013, I will bring it home and save it for next year - all for her because I love her so much.
  • We had cupboards full of household things, paper towels, bleach, tea, fairy liquid. [I could go on and on] I am now starting to run out of these sort of things and I can't tell you how sad it makes me - I will save one of everything/or a bit left in a bottle. These things she had used/touched/held them, every time I use them I kiss them and will not throw them away -ever.
  • I drove my car very fast today, but she lept saying as she always did "Jim slow down wer'e not in a rush" so I did, crying ................
  • The simple fact is I have in no way come to terms with her death, I cannot believe it at all and my entire day is filled with her image, her voice and my memories. Such sad, sad days every day of my life is sad and sorrowfilled. The missing Christmas card brings it home so hard, how I can never go back to ask her where it is, how I can never go back to my happy and love filled life, which ended, now more than 11 months ago........
  • I was going to write 'Another bad day' but I now realise every day is a bad day, and every day to come will be a bad day. My children opened all the christmas boxes for me today, the massive amount of decorations, all perfectly packed, as she would, were split, most taked by them a few I kept, the ones that were very special to her. We found the old cards that I have mentioned [I will put these on the site] but missing was her card for me - this caused me great distress, and I broke down - why did she not save her card to me, mine to her was there, but not hers to me. I will never know why, where is it, what she did with it. I am so upset and dissapointed. Just thinking about it makes me stop writting.........
  • Another day of the same thoughts, missing her, talking/shouting to her, only 4 crys today [is that an improvement?] I walk down the hall to the kitchen and shout 'I'm comming, are you OK', she always answers 'I'm fine darling, I miss you' and I said 'God I miss you sooo much'.  I'm now crying, I will have to stop.....
  • I now realise that my life since she died has been one long bad dream. I live in a fantasy world which is not real, I go through the routines of the day in a daze waiting to wake up and get back to normal. What is normal, its being with Jen and I know this can never happen and I will have to live in my dream/daze lifestyle for the rest of my life - or will I .... The final sentance's of the Saatchi article has hit me hard - Do you think you will ever be reunited together at some time, after a long pause he said No - the pause was not thinking about the answer but wishing so much it wasn't true - it is just the same for me ..... 
  • I read an article on Lord Saatchi [he lost his beloved wife this year] today who sounds to be totally the same as me, I particularly liked his comment on the 'be strong' brigade - he called them 'monstrous' 'do they not understand we are one, I am her, she is me' look for the article it is me. I get comfort from the fact that all my grief, suffering and sorrow are the same for others. For me, my emotions, feelings, thoughts and memories all stem from the fact that she is no longer with me and I miss her so much it is painful and intolerable - I understand when he says he regularly contemplates suicide as I do ..............

 

After yesterday, I wondered what might make me tearfull or cry today, so I kept a record:

  • Kissing her funeral photograph this morning [it always does]
  • Looking out at the garden and the mess it's in.
  • Going out, passing her filled 'pop them on' shoe box.
  • Getting into the car [alone] and giving her knee a squeze as I always did.
  • Answering a friend 'How ya' getting on'
  • With another friend who said how he was still shocked that it happened.
  • Arriving home and entering the house - shouting 'I'm home darlin'
  • With my daughter talking about her last few days.
  • Thinking what to do about Chistmas, the anniversary of her death and her Birthday.
  • I will also cry as I usually do when I turn the light out to go to sleep, I always say from habit [16425 times] 'ninite darling, I love you' and she always replies and I always cry....

Ten times today, tomorrow??? [no wonder my eyes are always red and stinging]

  • Another tearfilled day - for what ever reason some days are really tough, today was one of them - cosumed by thoughts and memories - I was blowing leaves off our drive, I had to stop, I kept seeing and hearing Jen, helping me as she used to. - I cannot describe how much I miss her and how much I still love her - she is/was my life. I am alone, she is not with me and never will be again - it's just to terrible to bare.
  • She kept speaking to me today - 'Do you fancy a nice cup of tea luv' - 'you can have - egg on toast, beans on toast, cheese on toast, ham on toast or me on toast' - 'comon jim stop watching this rubbish' - 'are you OK' - 'You will be alright' - 'I love you so much'  on and on I hear her voice so clearly as though she is just in the room with me and I answer her always - and I miss her and wish she was with me - and cry......
  • My kids offer all kinds of advice and they tell me they wish they had their 'old dad' back.  I have explained to them [and to you] the following to describe my intense difficulties:
  1. I miss her so very much all the time, every minute of every day
  2. I therefore think about her every minute of every day.
  3. I am not lonely, I am alone, she is not with me.
  4. I do not wish to be with people, then I don't have to pretend all is well
  5. All this makes me very sad, sorrowful and tearful, with an intensity which breaks my heart, all the time.
  • I am trying to open the 7 big boxes of Christmas decorations [see Jens Christmas] to find the cards and tree decorations - I just can't do it - they are hers. I will have to ask my kids to do it for me. And what to do with them all then? and a full size artificial tree [cost £177] bought together on Dec 30th 2011 , with love for next [this] Christmas .[little did either know] Its so sad and just writing this makes me so upset ................ I miss her all the time ..............
  • The 'S' word has been much on my mind today. It looks ever more the best way to overcome all my thoughts, memories, sadness and missing her. And in a way I would be joining her. It seems very attractive, but I will wait untill I have completed the sale of Cherryfield and all my affairs are in order, and I have completed all my promises to Jen, except the first one, and then who knows.....
  • My back 'clicked out' [for the 5th time in 15 years] when it happens I can hardly move. Another shock reminder that my darling is not with me. Each time before she aleays looked after me till it got better [4/5 days] The shock was that she could never again be able look after me when I am ill, and I kept crying as I remembered how kind and thoughtful she always was..............
  • All the 'pinch points' today as usual, her not being with me anymore is destoying my life...........
  • II have just finished putting the wonderful, lifelike pictures of Jen on to her 'Mystery CD' page They are so 'her' and cause regret, sorrow and tears when I study them.She really looks so beautiful, just as I remember her.  So much on Jennys Memorial site is wonderful for me to see and read - but oh the tears and sadness - its back to that 'junkie' mentality - don't want to be upset by looking, but can't stop myself from looking ????
  • 'Pinch Points' - I have realised that every single day, when I am doing something, the same thought/memory comes into my mind when I do what ever it is - this gives me very strong feelings of missing her, wishing she was still alive and realising how very much I love her and how cruel it is that she has gone [again and again at every pinch point, every day] Key pinch points are: 
    • When I wake up - I put my arm accross the bed to touch her, and I am shocked when she is not there
    • Making tea and toast in the morning - I think of her making it and eating it together
    • In the loo - she kisses my head as she walks past
    • Starting the car - I reach across and squeze he knee
    • Shopping - when ever I pass the broccoli I see her choosing some
    • When I arrive home in the car - I realise the house is empty and she will not be there [this is one of the worst 'pinch points]
    • When I enter the house - I still shout to her 'I'm back - are you OK... she shouts back 'Yes fine, I'm In the ...?
    • In the bathroom last thing - cleaning our teeth together and comparing the 'whiteness'
    • Turning the light off at night - I still say ninite darling,sleep well. and pretend to stroke he back.
  • I live with these pinch points every single day and the thoughts and the intense memories they cause ............................ God I miss her so very much
  • Two Surprises [discoveries] today ....... I am still working on loading her favourite music onto this site, and was looking thro all the CDs I had burnt for her over the last 5 years [so much music of hers] In her cd case besides her music was a cd with no writing on the front? How could this be? I opend it, it have 30 photographs of her and some of her writing [describing how she would like our next house to be when we moved from here?]  The photos were wonderful and I looked at them in great detail, they were so 'her' and I thought about how much I loved her, and how very much I miss her..................
  • I went for a 'cuppa' at Luci and Bobs house [Bob of course was at work] Luci opened the door and Booke came running to me holding a plate of Flapjacks "look Papa, look Papa I've made these specially for you" they looked wonderful and her face looked so happy and proud - I praised her and thanked her so much..... we all had tea and a flapjack [they looked and tasted exactly as Jens did - delicious, and Jen taught her how to make them - I felt so proud and happy as was Brooke] 'Why did you make them' I asked [she had never made them since Jen died] "Because Dodo asked me to in her letter" 'What letter'? "The letter on her webpage - she didnt finish it" 'How did you see Dodo's webpage'? " well I put my name into Google and My name appeared, I clicked on it and looked at the photographs and then I found Dodo's letter, which she didn't finish by the way" Oh I understand I said 'and Dodo would be very proud of you as I am' nothing more was said and Luci didn't comment and the conversation moved on. When I was leaving she said she would pack some for me to take home.......... Wonderful that she could still make them............. Jen would be so so proud of her, as I was.

 

  • In the Lounge [which I never use any more] in pride of place is the large photograph of Jennifer used at her funeral, together with the large candel Brooke lit. Also on the table are all the 'Sympathy Cards and Letters' [more than 100] I received around the time of her death.  I have never felt able to touch them never mind read them, which both my children suggest it is/was rude to all those people who took the time and trouble to send them, and that they ultimatly should have been acknowledged,  -  Well, I am sorry if you did send one, because I have still not been able to look at any of them. Today [with the 'drug addict' mentality] I thought I would read some of them. The top one [they were in the reverse order of arrival] was from a ex work collegue who had met Jen as my wife only 4 or 5 times. The card had both sides filled with words, it started  'I was so shocked and saddened to hear of the passing'......... I could not read any more and put the card back on the pile and left the room [in tears]  One day I might be able to read them???
  • I just can't stop thinking about her all the time. It is impossible for me to decribe how very much I miss her morning noon and night [I have tears in my eyes just typing this knowing I will never see her and be with her ever again] ...........
  • My/Our 45th Wedding Anniversary today [she died 242 days ago] Today was the day I was dreading, it is the first key moment in my life without her. A very sad day - I spent much time looking at the Our Anniversarys page and remembering all the wonderful, happy and loving times we spent together. Today I would have been in Moscow with her doing the sites, museums, historical buildings etc.,   Instead I was in our empty home. alone, thinking of her, she kept saying "It'll be alright darling" and I cried and cried ..........
  • I think I am acting in the same way a drug addict does, I feel I need [every so often] to force a reminder, I know it will upset me, but I still go and look somewhere that was hers [draws, cupboards wardrobes] and when I see/feel/kiss anything of hers it never fails to upset me as I am bomarded with all those memories of her.
  • Other times, - so I don't get upset, I make sure I avoid anything and everything that might cause a memory or thought of her, but of course these are the times when the unexpected happens and as usual I am bombarded with those memories and become upset 
  • This is peculiar behaviour on my part?
  • Working on the videos and her music has caused me too much distress, so I will back off them for a while - but I will get them done.  I try to work out why this is, it seems it is about just missing her so very much and any reminder of any kind causes me sadness and distress because she is no longer with me as my true friend and lover.   What a complex problem it is - I never ever will forget her, but reminders, particularly the photos, videos and her music bring me to tears. I am listing what causes those constant reminders, in the main, countless silly and strange little things every day, when the list is complete I might put up yet another page, it might help me to get use to them and to expect them - I wonder?  What is sure I just miss her so very very much.
  • I have now removed the 'bugs' from the site [I think] but seeing her on the videos has caused me great upset, my mind is in a termoil with overwhelming memories, her speaking to me and visions of her. I wonder if I am having a mental breakdown? .............. 
  • Another bad day - seeing those vidios of her has really set me back - I have cried so much today.
  • To add still more pain - I downloaded two video editing programes and some how via some sort of 'bug' certain words are chosen on this site and linked to rubish and none related sights. If the word is highlighted in red please dont click it. This is terrible for her special site.
  • Bad, bad day.....  I have the 'Glimpse of Jen' page project on my mind.  I have now reviewed many hours of 'home videos' just looking for her. As I expected [she hated being photographed] very limited and few glimpses found [I will try to put them on the page]   Her voice was on the tape almost all the time, I listened to her intently.  So almost like a drug addict, I knew it would cause me great upset, but I couldn't stop myself - it did.  Besides all the tears I have an intense regret that I have lost her, seeing her today as she was in the 90's has left me devastated, bad bad day for me ..........
  • I had lunch today with two super guys who I used to work with - Its good for me to see them, because they too are widowed [10 yrs and 7 yrs] and they understand - oh dear one of them is STILL like me 10 years on - oh dear?? Then I return to my empty house alone and as I drive in and enter I shout 'I'm back love' but no reply, nothing, emptyness and of course tears .........
  • I have been thinking very hard why I remain so devistated about loosing my darling, and, prompted by Cassie I have concluded the following:-   I think and believe that I am 'stuck' mentaly in a place from which I find it is impossible to move from. I have been told that it's like a 'badge of honour' [my grief, sorrow, sadness] that I wear proudly to demonstrate my great love and adoration of Jenny. This is perhaps accurate and true, what do you think? I also have analized my thoughts and I feel so strongly that if I move on from where I am today, then I will surely be disrespecting  and moving away from the one person I have loved and adored so much more than anyone or anything else in this world  - It was also sugested I need MY permission AND the permission of Jen to move forward, neither is forthcomming at this time?? - whether this embedded outlook can or will change I don't know, but today feels to me exactly the same as I felt on that terrible day in February. [21st] ? ? ?

 

 

Brooke saw this photo a copy of which I had given to Cassie and she asked could she also have one [obviously she had forgotten in was also in Jens funeral service sheet] I was thrilled and printed and framed it for her wall as quick as I could. She took it home tonight holding it proudly. It made me feel really happy that Jen and Brooke will now be together on her bedroom wall.

  • Today was Brookes day [every week 2 days] - Arrive home [thinking of and missing Jen] Play [thinking how Jen did it so well] Shower and Hair Wash [thinking of Jen doing it all with her] Cooking her favourite meal [it's always been lamb cutlets, peas and new potatoes - thinking of Jen as I cooked, trying to do it the way she did] Waving bye bye to her and her Daddy [Jen and I always stood arm in arm and waved and blew kisses, and when they were gone we always kissed]   I always put a good act on for Brooke, she has no idea how I am feeling.  And when they have gone I cry............
  • What a bad weekend - my mind has been more filled with Jennifer than ever, all times of day, where ever I am, something reminds me of her, I cry. She speaks to me, I reply, I see her and think about her all the time and cry often.......
  • I had my hair cut today - so what you might say, nothing special? For me it was a very sad day. I have not had it cut since last 13th December 2011. We had a kind of ritual [refered to elsewhere I think?] It involved kissing each other on the top of the head in the bathroom [me or her sitting!? and the other walking past and when doing so ALWAYS several kisses on the top of each others head.  I could not bear to have the place where she kissed so often cut off!    It had become so unmanagble and looked awful I realised I would have to have it cut. And so with a sad heart and much regret I did, I explained to the hairdresser [Cassies] the story and she carfully cut off exactly where I pointed her kissing spots, two small lengths from the root for me to save. And then proceeded to cut my hair [too short as it happens, but it will grow]  I have now very carfully removed all her hair that was on her hair brush [which I stored when she died] and mixed it with mine in a special small  transparent envelope. We both kissed this hair and it is very special to me, I will have it put in my coffin when the time comes. [I am crying as I write this]
  • I am trying to find a person who coul plat [brade] both our hair together, to no avail so far......... any ideas who, where could do it for me?
  • I tried a help group today - they were just not my kind of people [age, circumstances, type etc.,] I left after 50 mins feeling they, in fact nobody, understands. False happiness, bravardo, work at it??[what ever that means] is not what I need. As ever I just have a mind cosumed by Jen, and anything else is of no interest. I wonder if this will be how it will be forever .... maybe so..... so be it ......
  • A very special friend of both of us, today, in London, gave me the most beautiful posy of flowers for Jen. I told her I would put them on her grave tomorrow, and did she have a message for her. She said that I should tell her that she missed her, that she was with her all the time and that she was very special.  -  I, ofcourse, broke down ...............
  • My son Robin placed the most beautiful message in the Guest Book - when I read it - I cried so much ................
  • Today  [Sat] I decided to have a 'quiet, nothing' day as we did occasionaly together, in memory of my darling, we would just be together in the house or garden with nothing planned and no visitors.    It was very sad and sorrowful for me - alone with thousands of thoughts and memories of my darling which filled every moment of the day  -  I cried many times when cirtain memories came, seeing her in the garden, in the lounge, in the kitchen. Hearing her speaking to me all the time 'what do you fancy for lunch love', 'comon Jim your tea's going cold' 'turn the heating up a bit me lover, I'm a bit cold', 'give me a hand '  - On and on and on .............

          

  • I needed a birthday card for Bob's wife Luci and rather than buy one [which I have done to date] I knew Jen had a special box full of cards for all manner of occasions. I decided to look in the box for a card [this was Jens box which she filled and chose cards when we needed one] besides all the new cards, at the back of the box were several cards we had given to each other, as usual she had saved them, I don't know the year they  were given, but they obviously were important to her. [I will remind myself to tell you about her saving so many different things, for me, for her, for the kids all boxed with lables and notes - I never know when and where I will discover one! Hence I don't look in all her cupboards, drawers and wardrobes very often, if at all, for fear of what I will find]   The words in these saved cards were wonderful and very loving so much so that I cried and cried for the rest of the day........                When I am able I will put a couple on this site
  • Today I kept hearing her clearly speaking in her loving voice a couple of phrases she used to me often, again in her false Yorkshire accent - "A Yer awerite duk" and "Ello mi Lover" and I answered as always in my Yorkshire accent 'Yes mi darlin' and 'ello mi darlin' - tears came of course ..............
  • Its 217 days ago that she died. It still feels like yesterday. I can't get used to it. I still think I will see her or she will give me a shout ......................
  • Very mixed up today - Our house is empty now [except for me] but I am closest to Jennifer when I am here - so I like to be here! - It makes me so sad and sorrowful and I cry alot when I look at anything - the kitchen is particularly bad and I hold and kiss all the things she used [I don't use any of them now, they're hers] - salt pots, herb jars, knives, anything I know she touched - I kiss them ferociously, pressed hard to my lips, I want her to feel what I am doing.
  • Hearing one of Jenny's favorite songs [she had so many, all of them put on dvd's by me for her car and her player in the kitchen] is becoming an ever bigger problem for me, when ever I hear one memories of her flood in and I always end up crying.  I avoid them at all cost

          They are: Drive,  I Drove all Night,  Hallelujah,  Slaveship,  I hope You Dance,  Virbrate,  Make You Feel My Love, and the worst one  of all if I hear it [it was her favourite at the time of her death] -  Someone Like You 

  • Cold nights now and I think of my darling outside in that cold grave yard and me in our warm house. She should be with me alive and well  .................  Why oh why ??????????
  • Anniversaries are on my mind, our wedding anniversary is due and this will be the first important date since she died. I always took her away on a supprise trip - Paris, Amsterdam, a 5star hotel. It would have been our 45th [I had planned to take her to Moscow for 2 nights] but I will not be able to now, or to celebrate it. It will be a very sad day for me.     Then Christams is coming so very important to Jen, Then New Year and then her birthday. Also 1st Jan the start of her illness, 7th Feb the diagnosis, 21st the day she died and the 29th[28th] her funeral and the 26th her birthday.   All of them fill me with fear about how I might cope - What should I do, how will I cope?? - Any advice?? - Just tears and sorrow to face on all these, what were so important and happy dates for us both, and now such very sad memories for me. 
  • After shopping and errands today [all things we did together] when I got in the car I heard her say some thing she said playfully in her special forced Yorkshire accent " Cumon duk lets get home and have a nice cupatea and a slice of cake" ...... just tears again from me.
  • I went to a dinner party with two dear friends [at their home] with 3 other guests last night. It was hard as I kept thinking what Jen would be doing and saying. Towards the end of the evening I went into the kitchen to clean out my ashtray. I saw all the usual pots, pans, plates etc and the general mess, that is always left  in the kitchen till the guests have gone - this brought vivid memories of our dinner parties and how together we would always wash and put away everything together before we went to bed - no matter how late.  These memories filled me with great sadness and sorrow in the knowledge we could never do that together again. I was so upset I had to leave at once - crying.
  • I visited a friend who was widowed 5 years ago. It was strange that I/we gained much comfort from talking about our beloved partners and crying and hugging often together.   We agreed that unless someone had become widowed from someone they loved so very much, they could never understand how it feels and what its like. It is a sorrowful club to be a member off, and joining is horrific.  For me loosing Jen is the most sad, sorrowful,  tragic, horrible and cruel event of my life. [and always will be]
  • Back now, and as I expected I had two main thoughts/memories. Either comparing our wonderful past holidays together with this one OR wondering what she would be saying/doing on this holiday. Missed her so very much all the time - then back to my empty house, it was so hard to unlock the door and walk in - by my self. Any kind of holiday in the furure will not be on my agenda for the forseable future.
  • Today I go on holiday with my family - they arranged it - it had to be to somewhere I have never been to with Jen - they decided on Bulgaria??? - I must say that I go with a heavy heart - I know the empty bed/bedroom will cause me sorrow [ you would not beleive the lengths Jen went to to make sure the room and particulaly the bathroom was perfect] - I will write again when I return

 

  • I wish so much she could be with me as she always was on OUR holidays.

 

  • I saw a full wedding service on TV. I listened again to the vows and thought 'yes' we both upheld them all. And now I cry about the last one - 'Till death us do part' - cos' it happened.
  • I went into the garden today [the first time this year - this year I have used a man to keep on top of it] Jen loved the garden and worked hard looking after it - I was her labourer and cut the grass - she would be so sad if she saw it today, not well cared for as she did. Every inch had memories of Jen, her plants, the things she tied up, us working together - I felt so sad. 
  • The problem I have is that my darling is ALWAYS on my mind, every minute of every day - all the time.   This means that everything else that could be in my life is totally secondary and unimportant, I cannot be bothered and have an interest in anything. I always try to put on an act that all is well, and that is very hard and I soon make sure I get back on my own so that I do not have to pretend. Alas, I remain most comfortable by myself, consumed by thoughts, visions and memories of my darling. 

I know this is wrong for me and many people say 'be strong' -  get out and start a new life, but I can't. I wonder when will it might get better - ever???

  • What I miss more than anything, every single day, is her presence and being with her [hearing her voice, being able to chat, hearing her in the house] I spend many hours alone, by my self. The house is empty, the car is empty, my life is empty - I am alone.
  • I cried making tea and toast this morning - Jen always made breakfast [quite often cooked] and we always ate it together in bed!. Today, as always now, no Jen and I stood at the kitchen sink to eat it - thinking of her.
  • Cassie was ill this evening, her worried and concerned face looked exactly like Jen did, when she was worried or unhappy - it was so unnerving and brought back all my loving feelings for Jen.
  • I tried sorting her things out today. I had to stop. Full of sadness tears and sorrow. I did put the clothes I always see her in on a hanger together with a pair of shoes & socks she always wore with these clothes - I will keep these with me for the rest of my life.  I see her every where wearing these clothes, in the house, in the car, in the street [she always waves at me]                    
  • I passed two Lorries today the names on them were Langhams and Mitsubushi. At once I thought of being in the restaurant with her and buying her her first car in Holland. Both made me cry.

 

  • Today I looked after Brooke, something Jen did from the day she was born [Jan, 2004] for 2 or 3 days every week [Holidays - full on for a week or two]  I think of Jen with Brooke, she was a wonderful playmate and Brooke loved to be with her. I am but a shadow in playmate terms of how Jen spent her time with Brooke.
  • Brooke mentioned Dodo [Jen] to me today [rarely does she talk about her] She just said 'Dodo died from cancer didn't she? - I kept control and said 'That's right darling' and changed the subject. But my heart and head were filled with grief and I can't stop thinking about it.
  • Brooke and I were in our house, I was not sure where she was, so I quietly looked for her  -  she was in the lounge talking to Jens photo, as soon as she saw me she stopped and moved quickly away.
  • I was telling her how much Daddy, Mummy and I loved her to which she said 'And don't forget Dodo' 
  •  I think that Jens darling grand daughter Brooke will never forget Dodo which pleases me so much and would please Jen even more as well.
  • I must make myself do the washing, change the bed, and then the ironing. I keep putting it of - Jen always did it. I cry with sadness when I have to do it [very badly in comparison] - just because she is not here and I miss her so very much.
  • I never cook anything that Jen used to make [in fact I never cook] Today I really fancied one of her special ham salad sandwhich's - I bought all the ingredients [Jen told me in my mind what to buy - [on the edge of tears as I did it] got them home, put them together as I had seen her do it so many times [crying by now] and ate it with a cup of tea. It just was not as I remembered it. I will not be doing that ever again - too painful.
  • A distant friend [ex employee] phoned me today, and I had to tell her about my darlings death - something I have not had to do for several months - I could not finish the phone call, I broke down sobbing.  Will it ever get easier to bear????
  • I went for a casual lunch today with two dear friends. I put the act on but it was not good - the 'empty chair' syndrome was so powerful. Jen was on my mind all the time. I left for the 20 mile drive home very down, sad and sorrowfull - I still miss her so much every minute of every day
  • I took Brooke to Leggoland today, forgetting we were there 20 months ago I of course put on a brave face,as usual, but the visions of her there were vivid and many memories flooded back. When I got home, after dropping Brooke, I cried more than I have done for many weeks.
  • This evening she was talking to me, just telling me she loved me so much and missed being with me at Leggoland. It breakes my heart that my mind is so full of her all the time.

Rituals